*cough*
i’m not going anywhere
i’m here. i’m still here.
am i still the same person?
perhaps.
i’m not sure.
is it good if i am still the same person?
or is it not?
***
it took me roughly 12 months to eventually write (type) again. what held me up so long?
reality.
honesty.
sanity.
***
reality caught me up. remember how excited i was to begin my residency?
yeah, i am not too excited now to keep going on.
environment. i would blame environment. i wrote that i’m the youngest in my class. i still am. and it seems to be that others take this as their advantage.
“you’re not married yet. get this done.”
“you have no child. get that done.”
even to myself, i say, “you’re not married yet. you have no child. be at hospital earliest. in case those who are already married, those who already have child(ren) don’t come on time.”
and what i achieve is heartache because they don’t seem to (at least) try to acknowledge my comprehension and reciprocate to it.
what, be less caring, you say? don’t think that i haven’t tried. i did. and i couldn’t. and it sucks.
environment. i would blame environment. new system. new teachers. new characteristics. new behaviours. new mindsets. that unfortunately dissimilar with my old environment.
i’m young. naturally, youngsters rebel. but it doesn’t mean that we don’t need rules.
i’ve been given roads. without road markings. however, as soon as i take the presumably wrong turn, i’m the one to blame. not the road makers.
i’m so pissed.
i’m so fed up.
i’m so done with the erratic push.
“do this ASAP!” but then “do that ASAP!” no wait “this is URGENT!”
dang it.
***
you know what’s urgent?
my sanity.
i can not emphasize enough how important sanity is.
sanity is the one parameter that differs us and the dead; because, what’s the use of living with insanity?
i’m struggling with unknown struggles.
i’m struggling to get up from bed.
i’m struggling to eat.
i’m struggling to keep everyone satisfied.
i’m struggling to make everyone not alone.
i’m struggling to finish.
when am i struggling for me?
***
*sobbing*
***
i’m trying to be honest. but these days, people don’t want honesty.
they want to be pleased.
i’m being honest when i said i don’t have friends.
i’m being honest when i said i’m not pretty. i’m not smart.
i’m being honest when i said i’m bored with my life.
i’m being honest when i said i thought about ending my life.
but honestly, i don’t even know why i am being honest. most of the times what i get form honesty is: being underestimated or disbelieve.
***
dude, i’m doing all of those crappy tasks just because i’m exhausted to keep commanding all of you.
you are all grown ups. i’m a child compared to you all. you all should’ve known better about responsibility.
***
yet. i’m here. i’m still here.
i’m not going anywhere.
i am, actually.
i’m going to cross the chequered flag.
let’s do this.
for me.
-aga-
Hey there,
It’s me justrandomdudes with a weirdly put name like I’m plural. I commented one of your post back in 2011. I was just looking through blogs that I commented in the past, including yours. I’m sorry for not replying to your comment back then. I would prefer to stay anonymous and I hope you’re okay with that.
Speaking about depression, I think I’ve had depression before. At least what I think is one, either if it’s true or not. Might be a mild one. I don’t know.
A lot of people might face this phase in their life.
I’ve had episodes in my life where I felt like it might be better if I just end my life, and boom, everybody will be happy, some might not notice, some might grief and forget in a months. For some might take weeks. Days. Hours.
Minutes?
Seconds?
I sometimes still feel like my life brings no importance to the world.
I think about bad things that I’ve done in the past. About people that I hurt/dissapoint. About me not being able to achieve what I want to achieve.
I don’t really have the solution, I’m not saying I’m depression-free now. I still do sometimes have depressed thoughts and feelings. But I can only say that you’re not alone, and I know things are difficult for you now, and the feeling of not being able to control things freaks people out, it does.
What I find helpful and you might have been doing the same (and I hope you do so if you haven’t) is to try to talk to people that are close to you, people that you think care for you.
Anyway, I’m glad that there’s still a fight in you. Things won’t be always like this. It won’t. Change will happen eventually.
Lastly, I hope you have a good day!
Regards,
justrandomdudes
honestly, is there any chance that i might know who you are? a stranger wouldn’t be this kind to talk about his depression. anyway, much appreciated. it’s just not easy to talk about depression to people who aren’t familiar to it because most of the times, when we mean it, they don’t take it seriously and it worsen things.
Wait I posted a reply a couple hours back, did it not get posted or did you delete lol
Nope I told you, we don’t know each other.
It was a long story how I got to your blog, as well as other blogs that I came across. Have you ever been jumping from a place that leads to another? Like clicking on a profile of a friend of a friend and so on in social media. That’s pretty much how I got here.
Depression is real, and people in our surrounding might not think the same way. I don’t know, I was just trying to at least say something that might lift someone’s weight.
Yes I know, that is true. People tend to dismiss these kind of issue, and that is what is really annoying me. Or maybe, that is how they try to cheer you up, since they don’t see any way of helping, idk. Some people don’t know how to act to people with depression (or the sign of it)
Ever thought of calling a mental health hotline?