i’m not going anywhere


i’m here. i’m still here.


am i still the same person?




i’m not sure.


is it good if i am still the same person?


or is it not?




it took me roughly 12 months to eventually write (type) again. what held me up so long?










reality caught me up. remember how excited i was to begin my residency?


yeah, i am not too excited now to keep going on.


environment. i would blame environment. i wrote that i’m the youngest in my class. i still am. and it seems to be that others take this as their advantage.


“you’re not married yet. get this done.”


“you have no child. get that done.”


even to myself, i say, “you’re not married yet. you have no child. be at hospital earliest. in case those who are already married, those who already have child(ren) don’t come on time.”


and what i achieve is heartache because they don’t seem to (at least) try to acknowledge my comprehension and reciprocate to it.


what, be less caring, you say? don’t think that i haven’t tried. i did. and i couldn’t. and it sucks.


environment. i would blame environment. new system. new teachers. new characteristics. new behaviours. new mindsets. that unfortunately dissimilar with my old environment.


i’m young. naturally, youngsters rebel. but it doesn’t mean that we don’t need rules.


i’ve been given roads. without road markings. however, as soon as i take the presumably wrong turn, i’m the one to blame. not the road makers.


i’m so pissed.


i’m so fed up.


i’m so done with the erratic push.


“do this ASAP!” but then “do that ASAP!” no wait “this is URGENT!”


dang it.




you know what’s urgent?


my sanity.


i can not emphasize enough how important sanity is.


sanity is the one parameter that differs us and the dead; because, what’s the use of living with insanity?


i’m struggling with unknown struggles.


i’m struggling to get up from bed.


i’m struggling to eat.


i’m struggling to keep everyone satisfied.


i’m struggling to make everyone not alone.


i’m struggling to finish.


when am i struggling for me?








i’m trying to be honest. but these days, people don’t want honesty.


they want to be pleased.


i’m being honest when i said i don’t have friends.


i’m being honest when i said i’m not pretty. i’m not smart.


i’m being honest when i said i’m bored with my life.


i’m being honest when i said i thought about ending my life.


but honestly, i don’t even know why i am being honest. most of the times what i get form honesty is: being underestimated or disbelieve.




dude, i’m doing all of those crappy tasks just because i’m exhausted to keep commanding all of you.


you are all grown ups. i’m a child compared to you all. you all should’ve known better about responsibility.




yet. i’m here. i’m still here.


i’m not going anywhere.


i am, actually.


i’m going to cross the chequered flag.


let’s do this.


for me.