Category: blacks

i am here



i’m not going anywhere


i’m here. i’m still here.


am i still the same person?




i’m not sure.


is it good if i am still the same person?


or is it not?




it took me roughly 12 months to eventually write (type) again. what held me up so long?










reality caught me up. remember how excited i was to begin my residency?


yeah, i am not too excited now to keep going on.


environment. i would blame environment. i wrote that i’m the youngest in my class. i still am. and it seems to be that others take this as their advantage.


“you’re not married yet. get this done.”


“you have no child. get that done.”


even to myself, i say, “you’re not married yet. you have no child. be at hospital earliest. in case those who are already married, those who already have child(ren) don’t come on time.”


and what i achieve is heartache because they don’t seem to (at least) try to acknowledge my comprehension and reciprocate to it.


what, be less caring, you say? don’t think that i haven’t tried. i did. and i couldn’t. and it sucks.


environment. i would blame environment. new system. new teachers. new characteristics. new behaviours. new mindsets. that unfortunately dissimilar with my old environment.


i’m young. naturally, youngsters rebel. but it doesn’t mean that we don’t need rules.


i’ve been given roads. without road markings. however, as soon as i take the presumably wrong turn, i’m the one to blame. not the road makers.


i’m so pissed.


i’m so fed up.


i’m so done with the erratic push.


“do this ASAP!” but then “do that ASAP!” no wait “this is URGENT!”


dang it.




you know what’s urgent?


my sanity.


i can not emphasize enough how important sanity is.


sanity is the one parameter that differs us and the dead; because, what’s the use of living with insanity?


i’m struggling with unknown struggles.


i’m struggling to get up from bed.


i’m struggling to eat.


i’m struggling to keep everyone satisfied.


i’m struggling to make everyone not alone.


i’m struggling to finish.


when am i struggling for me?








i’m trying to be honest. but these days, people don’t want honesty.


they want to be pleased.


i’m being honest when i said i don’t have friends.


i’m being honest when i said i’m not pretty. i’m not smart.


i’m being honest when i said i’m bored with my life.


i’m being honest when i said i thought about ending my life.


but honestly, i don’t even know why i am being honest. most of the times what i get form honesty is: being underestimated or disbelieve.




dude, i’m doing all of those crappy tasks just because i’m exhausted to keep commanding all of you.


you are all grown ups. i’m a child compared to you all. you all should’ve known better about responsibility.




yet. i’m here. i’m still here.


i’m not going anywhere.


i am, actually.


i’m going to cross the chequered flag.


let’s do this.


for me.



i just killed someone

how about that to start a new year, huh?!

evidence. don't tell the police.

evidence. don’t tell the police.

in fact, i just mutilated and stashed the corpse in the dump.

and i still got one victim to go.


okay,  in all seriousness, i did mutilate and stash a corpse…

of a red dragon fruit.


and i still got one in the refrigerator for tomorrow.


okay sorry for the joke, because it’s not like i have ever imagined to kill someone just myself, but i couldn’t help my imagination when my hands were covered in red-purple-ish color. probably a minor side effect of the trauma from knowing that Mary Watson nee Morstan… you know what happened to her in The Six Thatchers, Sherlock season 4 episode 1 that just released on the 1st January. i’m not putting spoiler here, but i’m dying to ramble about this >o<


how’s it going on, guys?

i’ve been MIA for quite some time, and during the time, i had another mental breakdown like once i’d had before, hence the recklessness of wanting to kill myself. looking back, i guess the desperation came from the lack of social interaction i made with people my age.

see, in my class now, it only consists of 9 people with average age of 32 year-old. that means, i’m 7 years away from them. 7 years less of experience, yet 7 years more contemporary. 7 years difference is comparison between 1st grader of elementary school and 2nd grader of junior high school. when the 1st grader of elementary school is crazy about Teletubbies, the 2nd grader of junior high is into Justin Bieber.

so i think if there is anyone who knows quite much about tolerance and diversity, i might just fit.

there’s really not much i can talk about with them since we fall into our own worlds. the only thing we have in common is about our class, unfortunately, much don’t give a crap because of our difference priorities.

to them, their number one priorities might be their children. so, to ask them to participate in group assignment is sometimes even harder than the assignment itself.

meanwhile, i’m still adjusting living in new town, new environment. i’m still experiencing the “5 stages of grief” of moving out.

Denial — i went through this stage by assuring myself that i would have lots of round-trip from Surabaya to Yogyakarta. i actually imagined that i’d be going home for every 2 weeks or so. in fact, once a month is miracle.

Anger — oh i had pretty bad anger stage. i was furious being left out from the information and current events that happened in Yogyakarta that my friends didn’t tell me. the question of “why won’t they understand?”; and “how hard is it to forward info like that?”; also thoughts like “i think we’re best friends” occurred over and over and turned into some anger, angst, sadness.

Bargaining — the moment i realize that distance changes everything, i learn to try to replace some things, discover new habits, and tolerate the way it is instead of still comparing to the old ones. study place, favourite bubble tea, when to wash and iron clothes, and so on. one thing i have to hardly accept is the possibility of the absence of best friends figure that i don’ think i can replace.

Depression — when the bargaining isn’t equal with the outcome, unfortunately we have to fall into depression pit. and believe me – as the person who falls repeatedly – it really depends on ourselves whether we’re willing to back up again, or not. one thing that probably saves me again and again is because i know that depression is just a phase and it will eventually pass, so all i have to do is hold on and keep moving forward.

Acceptance — to make it easy, acceptance is when Jennifer Lawrence declined Chris Pratt’s offer to be hibernated back into the autodoc machine and decided to spend the rest of her lives in the journey to the new planet she’d never step on. it might not be perfect, but it’s your choice to be happy or not. so am i happy? i accept to be.

i notice that i talk about depression probably a bit too much than i should, it’s just because i realize that depression is a real thing, and each person’s coping mechanism is different. if you happen to go through depression, i just hope my experience can help in some way, before you actually go to psychiatrist and get medications. cause believe me, i did consider to go to psychiatrist for the last one, but the idea itself just freaked me out in advance.

well. anyways. it’s new year, you guys!

i can’t say that i’m thrilled entering the new year, because i’ve already received bill after bill i have to pay, not to mention the 2nd semester tuition fee, and the final exam’s not finished yet… so yeah, it seems just like another month with more expense. hahaha

before i close this post, please kindly check my origami creation on


i must say, folding papers give me some peace of minds 😉

peace out, people! see you in the next post 🙂


up in the air

i sometimes have this thing with movies.


thing like i have urge to watch a particular movie, but i postpone to watch it, for days, or months, even years. and suddenly when i watch it, maybe 2 years late, even 7 years late… the movie actually suits me very well at the moment. like, IF i watched it exactly when it first came out, i wouldn’t have related to the movie as much, and the movie wouldn’t have left any impression for me.


that thing happened this afternoon.


the movie i watched was Up In The Air (2009).


i remember when it first came out as a ‘coming soon’ on a movie magazine, i couldn’t help but excited just because George Clooney and Anna Kendrick were in it. George Clooney had some portion in my brain as Batman and Danny Ocean; while Anna Kendrick as Scott Pilgrim’s sister and – of course – Beca Mitchell; although back then Pitch Perfect might be still a blurry concept.


anyway. finally i watched the movie.


but i have to talk about something before i can relate to the movie.


so, about a week ago i attended this training as a part of my employment as one of young lecturers in my almamater uni. i gotta say that the training was beyond my expectation. unfortunately, half of it was because – in my word – it was a sugarcoated brainwash.


i expected that we were supposed to be taught how to be a good – if not great – lecturers by improving our skills in teaching, speaking, planning on the curriculum and mark percentage; or… else.


instead, we were forced to do researches as much as we could, because the only parameters to judge if a lecturer is good or not is only through the publications, which also could effect of the uni’s rank. so they thought this would be a win-win solution.


deep in my heart, i said a loud: NO.


this is not right.


being forced is actually a very light diction. i was about to use the word “enslaved”.


the way i see it, we were asked to leave any human contact – apart with another researchers – because we need to commit to the research 24/7. what i came up with, pretty sure not one they look forward to. but i couldn’t help it because for 5 days of training, basically that was what they kept repeating. for the first time, it was mind blowing and eye opening. but for the third, fourth, tenth, fifteenth… i was somewhat sick.


it’s like slapstick comedy. it’s hilarious at the first time, but repulsive for the next times.


as i said, for 5 days of training, they didn’t say anything about maintaining your career with your personal life, as if we didn’t have any. even the women speaker didn’t mention it, not in the slightest.


then i just kept this for myself. because maybe, it’s just me who think of it. and i’m basically doomed.


it’s when Up In The Air showed up.


Natalie Keener, the one Anna Kendrick portrayed, got dumped by his boyfriend in the middle of the movie. then, she said:


“Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy.”




people who wrote that script, that exact lines… get me.


7 years ago, when i just got in uni, i wouldn’t have understood what that means.


now. it goes right to the feels, bro.


what i’m trying to point is not the “right guy” part.


i’m actually aiming for “personal life” part.


even the most personal business in someone’s life needs companion.


perhaps, in training i didn’t get that from any of the speakers. perhaps it’s because they happen to already have spouses who are right, so they can understand their work, how much they’re demanded, and how they can compromise with each others’ conditions.


and i guess, because it’s so personal, we can not equalize every lives, can we?


you know, may be i just needed assurance. i just needed other people to say it, to agree with me, that it’s still important to have personal life.


why do i think that having personal life is so fundamental, if you ask?




humans were created with hearts for a purpose.


being personal is the only chance we have to fully use our hearts.


we’re nothing different with robots if we don’t use our hearts.


well. i think i ended this post quite nicely. not bad after quite some time i didn’t write, lol.



screw the title

i’ve been pausing to write for quite some time. and i think just now i realize why.


truthfully, so many times i went home from the clinic i worked for the past 10 months with thoughts and ideas and sentences and when it was the time i sat and opened my laptop…


i was hella lazy to type them.


i made excuses, like, “i’m exhausted“; or “maybe tomorrow“; or “i still need time to gather some more stories“; or the worst of all “what should be the title?”


and tonight. i’m breaking free. i couldn’t care less about the fricking title.


then an epiphany hit me.


not knowing the title, is actually like us living this life.


us here goes to the fresh graduates.

us here goes to the fellow 20s.

us here goes to you who are still figuring out what to do with your life.


the question of the future might come a little late to my class and me. FYI, i went to Dentistry in Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta, Indonesia. the path i took was all normal. i didn’t accelerate during Junior or High School. so, that made me 18 year-old when i started Dentistry in 2009. the target the faculty gave to us was to graduate in THREE AND HALF years with FOUR years curriculum. i managed to graduate in THREE years  AND TEN months.


when friends in other faculties were already panicking about jobs – or probably even getting married, at that time, my friends and i basically were focusing on the extra TWO years as co-Assistant  in order to acquire the title drg or dokter gigi or dentist.


all in all, it’s nearly SIX YEARS, our lives had been neatly scheduled. when the sixth year was almost over, we just had that panic attack.




well. i know that i had to get a job. the thing was, i had too many questions that Google couldn’t give me answers.


what kind of job?

where can i get the job?

so that means i don’t get to hang out with my friends again?

what if i did wrong?

what if i didn’t get the diagnosis right?

what if i didn’t know what to do with the patient?

what if i didn’t know how to write the meds prescription?

what if i couldn’t make enough money?

what if

what if

what if


those ‘what ifs’ are thoughts when i was thinking about a title of a post. those ‘what ifs’ are the ones that holding me back from writing. those ‘what ifs’ are undoubtedly necessary to be considered, but to make a great leap, we all need small step first.


what i’m saying is:


it’s always good to have big plans, but don’t let it confine you. don’t let it define you; instead, YOU are the one who is the rightful person to define the title.


improvisation and plot twist are two elements we often see in good shows, moreover the live ones. and guess what? our lives are not recorded shows, so naturally, yeah. at some points we are required to improvise; and at some points there will be plot twist(s). we wouldn’t be able to do so if we don’t keep moving on.


it is hella scary, the whole concept of graduating, finding that one perfect job, moving out, and so on. at least, we still have GoogleMaps if we’re lost in our new place. i can’t imagine what would have happened to Neil Armstrong if he wasn’t that brave discovering the Moon then suddenly he got lost…


well, that’s a motivation for all of us. we are not totally lost, LOL.


in short, i’m not trying to look wiser or anything as if i’ve figured out my life, but for my dear fellows, i really think that you shouldn’t waste everything that’s already in front of you. every small thing is something you can use to compose your own definition to life.

if what you’ve already get is the only thing you have, do your best anyway, while also pursuing what you really want. you have to believe that the Universe will align and you will get what you’ve been dreaming.


anyways. i’m in different place now. fingers crossed, i’m aiming for another title in the next TWO and HALF years to continue my passion as a lecturer. i’m currently enrolling the Oral Medicine Specialty in Universitas Airlangga, Surabaya, which has been my lifelong dream. and i live alone in an 11th-floor studio. and i can not wait to explore ALL of the malls in Surabaya.


let’s start the improv 😉




PS. these people are my classmates. small number, but i hope we can support each other together till the end 🙂



earlier this week, i got into a tiny fight with my mum. it was tiny, but still a fight. the main source of fight?


a scissors.


specifically, my black-handle scissors which i keep on the studying table in my room. it has always been there. last time i was in my room, it’s still there, i didn’t shift it any inch.


i was out of town for couple days, and i arrived home at tuesday night. that night, i found out that the scissors was missing when my mum asked me to get her one.


when i told her that it’s gone, she said that she did take it earlier to cut something then she forgot where it was last seen. i went through basically all of the room, all of the surface for the scissors, but all i got is exhaustion. the next day, fantastically, mum barged in when i was still asleep, to get the scissors – again, because she thought that i had found it. the fact that i hadn’t and it’s still missing just made me kinda pissed off.


when it was time for me to go to work, i said goodbye to mum and made a sarcastic joke about the scissors, “when you’ve found it would you please to get it back to my room? haha”

to my surprise, mum was upset. she made comeback with “i’ll get you thousands of scissors, better ones even.”


for all my life, i swear that one thing mum always repeats to my brother and me is: always, always, always returns everything back to the place you took it from.


so i guess at some point, it really is much easier to say, than do what you say.


it hurt me a little to hear mum’s comeback like that. because it really isn’t about the value of the scissors. it’s more about the value behind the lesson.


goods are, whatever, replaceable.

if i did care more about the scissors than the lesson, i’d gladly accept the new scissors. but i had this hesitation to quickly agree on the offer.


kinda like what happened with Tara and Abigail in the serial Dance Academy, when Abigail purposely broke Tara’s mirror and Abigail casually said that she would buy her a new one. the thing is, the mirror belonged to Tara’s grandmother who had passed away. for Abigail, indeed it was just a mirror. for Tara, it clearly wasn’t because the mirror had nostalgic value for Tara.


so, what kinds of value do you hold on to? does it ever affect you in thing like this?




PS. oh by the way, mum found the scissors on the backyard’s chaise this afternoon before she got to buy any new scissors.

i know you miss me #wink #lol

hahahaha just kidding. i don’t even know how many of you that actually continuously read my post here in this blog. however, i realize that it’s been wa~~~y too long since the last time i wrote any post. writer’s block? hmm more like writer’s laziness lol.


if you ask what i’ve been up to, i’m going to answer with:

preparing the next step of my life.


for a couple of months ago, i’ve been completing the required documents for the study i’m going to enroll. it’s my dream to be able to continue in oral medicine specialty, although for a large number of people, my dream is such a big question of WHY.


i gotta admit that oral medicine isn’t the easiest branch of dentistry. there are  a lot of memorizing, and much more of understanding. in some way when performing this discipline, we act more like a detective than like a dentist itself. and i guess it’s one of the reasons why i’m attracted to oral medicine. the quest of diagnosing the underlying disease, the i-want-to-know-more-and-more attitude, and the realization that there are indefinite diseases out there, all make me feel challenged. i’m hungry to know more.


it seems too ambitious, but i feel like i have to put a relatively high target. i don’t know if you have the same experience or not, but even Albert Einstein stated:

The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.


and right now, i still don’t know a lot of things. that only means one thing: i must learn more.


there’s this joke between my friends and me. if you can not be skinny, make other people fatter.


first time i heard this joke, i was mindblown.


i honestly never thought of that before. it’s similar like if you want to be tall, you can exercise to make yourself tall or wear 10-inch heels; or you hang around people shorter than you.




all of this time, i only learn one way to achieve something. if you want it, go get it. not the other way around.


however, by that joke earlier, i became aware of how much people actually do the other way around instead. there are some who choose to make others look worse than they are just to be considered (more) superior.


i’m so sorry in advance, but in my humblest opinion, you won’t go anywhere with that tactic. so what if your friends are fatter than you, shorter than you, worse than you? it just means that you are just as fat, short, and bad, right?


so in conclusion, as much as it is not wrong, i can not agree with it, let it forever be just a joke.


oh, one more thing. i also have been so interested in learning about investments. a senior lend me her 3 books about personal finance and i’m eager to know deeper about it. for a simple reason: i love money and i’d like to see my money grow. muahahahaha


i’m still figuring out about the products, though. since i don’t have that much income, i’m still thinking this over and over again. but this doesn’t stop me from learning!!!


so, what have you guys been up to? 😉



too hard

i have thought about this point for more than once, a point called standard.


for as long as i can remember, i always blame the society for establishing over-the-top standard of everything. you are not smart unless you get 4.0 GPA. you are not gorgeous if you are not in a beauty pageant. it’s almost impossible to achieve all of those standard. however, it’s what i prefer to call as “high standard“.


i understand that in statistics, everything matters. it’s important to know the highest and the lowest value first to determine the mean of one set of data. after that, then we can expand our calculation to find the variance and finally, the standard deviation and normal distribution. only then, we can figure out whether one particular data is standard or not.


connecting this phenomenon to what happens in society, i’d like to draw conclusion that a particular society collects many behaviors and characters over years and from that set of data they specify both highest and lowest ones to gradually come to the finish line, that is the standard.


so, logically. to be accepted in the society, we are not necessarily needed to be perfect. we just need to be within the normal distribution by not going too far from the standard deviation.


wow. i should’ve gotten A on my statistics.


now, what’s the use of this standard?


honestly, this standard is used to keep us in check. nothing good ever comes from everything that is too much or too little. you get famished from not eating, you get heart disease from gluttonous eating.


same thing applies to work. you might be fired from being lazy, but you’ll get scorn on trying too hard.


i’m sure that you’ve been in situation where you’re forced to commit more than you usually do. I assume, mostly it’s out of your reach to refuse doing extra work. I mean, nobody sincerely likes to do more if they can do less, right? lol


however, assumption’s worth is nothing without any evidence. because i witness that there are some certain people who actually want to try too hard, if not waaaay too hard, simply to impress others.


I myself believe that impression is something you can not intentionally create. cause sooner or later, the real you will appear, breaking those masks you hide behind.


character is forged by ages. it is what makes you ‘you’. it is what you believe, what your hobby is, what your dislike is, and also how you behave.


so let’s say that you are borderline annoying, you can say all you want to cover that fact, that you’re nice, you’re generous, you’re kind, and so on. but eventually, people will see through.


it also goes to a person who tries too hard. you may mean to be diligent, but it will be translated as showing off. you may mean to be friendly, but it will be seen as overly friendly it’s so bothering. you may mean to be smart, but it will appear as smart-ass. bottom line, everything over the standard becomes irritating.


even a trying too hard body system will crash you. it is called by autoimmune disease. the cells which supposedly protect you, go overdrive then backfire and attack yourself. later, things that aren’t dangerous become deadly because the protector cells think that they are to be crushed.


imagine being stabbed by your very close friend. now imagine being cut by yourself, unconsciously. it’s that painful.


in that case, i assume that a trying too hard person must be painful inside. that makes me sometimes wonder if a trying too hard person ever feels exhausted after doing all of those works, and bearing the pain. ooh.


i don’t say that doing extra doesn’t benefit you at all. what i’m trying to say is that we all should be careful for not overdoing it cause it has potential to sneak behind you and trip you over.


and that is exactly the moment you should go recheck the standard. please, pay attention to any standard, and don’t deviate much more than it’s normal distribution. because when you think about it, if everyone wants to be exceptional, then it’s gonna be a new normal distribution.


peace out!




every rose has its thorn.


cause God made us perfectly imperfect.


for every brightness, there is darkness.


for every kindness, there is mistake.


and who would have guessed that mistake from people we care about, most of the times, is the one we took (too) seriously?


because when i think about it, nobody in their right mind would intentionally want to hurt people they care.


they just sometimes carelessly choose the unwise decision.


like, to a rose.


we could decide to enjoy its beauty from afar, away from the thorn;

or to take a chance to cut its stem, and get pierced by its thorn.


being hurt by people we care about is as hurtful as being pierced by rose thorn.




because we know it’s there. we know nobody’s perfect. but we let ourselves believe that the thorn won’t hurt if we’re careful. thorn is thorn. it’s pointy. it hurts. so does mistake.


then again, every rose has not only one thorn.

nobody will only do one mistake.


brace yourself.


you’ll need band-aids.



hear to listen

i just had an epiphany.


from PBT (Paper Based TOEFL) to iBT (Internet Based TOEFL), to IELTS, one section stays the same, which is the listening section.


and it magically popped up in my head, the reason why.


ready to be blown away?




we need to understand by listening to the speakers.




you might react anticlimactically to the answer, but bear with me for some moments.


the idea of human beings’ communication is to deliver news. to get the news, we ought to posses one special ability called understanding. because without it, we are aware of the presence of the news but we can neither process nor deliver to others if we don’t grasp it by heart.


the implication to our daily life is how often we hear people talking, rather than to understand, we listen to reply when probably the odds are, it doesn’t even need any reply more than ‘OK’.


somehow i know why people tend to rush to reply.

one, to pretend that we know about the matter while in fact we don’t.

two, while pretending that we know about the subject, it kinda spreads superiority aura. nobody wants to mess with the alpha, right?

three, the superiority aura is a shield so we are not one to blame, eventhough we actually are in the wrong side.


so the conclusion is, it really is a self-defense of being clueless – or just a sign that you really are an annoying know-it-all.


oh God knows that i’m dealing with one know-it-all, it drives me insane.


bottom line is, we have a pair of ears not for nothing. it’s best to use them before operating your mouth, otherwise, you’d be forced to hear people yell and break your eardrums.


peace out!




hello guys. as mainstream as it is true, let me greet you with a ‘happy new year’. i spent my NYE basically by ignoring the flashiness of the overly exaggerated holiday just because we’re changing our calendar. i slept in the middle of the commotion of the fireworks and woke up at January the 1st like i wake up on any other days.


gosh, new year and i’m already being sarcastic? sorry, it’s kinda my thing.


like when people went obsessed with Justin Bieber when he was just a YouTube sensation, i rolled my eyes and disliked him out of no reasons at all. i just… don’t like him, you know.


although, i found this quote somewhere that goes like:

“if you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. what isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”

which later i knew that it was taken from a book written by Hermann Hesse – from the name you’ll get a clue that he was Germany, and i also knew i would probably never actually read one of his books.


so it hits me. what’s part of Bieber that’s also part of me which makes me hate him so much?


for years of my hatred upon him, i just recently found out what’s our so-called similarity.


on my way home from the clinic duty, i was listening to the radio while driving and it magically was about Bieber’s new album, Purpose. i was extremely tired, i didn’t even have enough strength to change the radio station, i was focused on getting home only. somehow my hearing organs were still in sync with my brain, so i unconsciously paid attention to the interview.


in short, for the past years before Purpose, Bieber had been lost, and this album is his come back way that he finally has found his again.


i blinked my eyes. O-M-aca-G. both of us are purposeless. well, now it is just one of us.


and it is the foundation of my lifelong hatred.


we were two unknown-of-each-other’s-presence-in-this-world human beings who are purposeless, and i hate him more because he has found his and i haven’t.


ever since the graduation, i’ve been trying to palpate my future. and FYI, by my future means it’s not determined by me, even if in the end the title is my future.


i feel lost.


i live but i’m not alive.


i’m awake to wait.


i stand just to be equal to the standing people around me.


i gasp for air which i can easily inhale.


i’m capable of what’s permissible.


i’m breaking the radius, not the circumference.


honest to good, i’ve never been so purposeless like this before. the boundaries are keeping me inside too tight.


who am i? i’m this green finch, linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird.


you might expect that i’ll write my purpose as the closing of the post. unfortunately, i’m not gonna.


i can not. yet.


Justin Bieber needs years to find that. i hope i won’t spend that long to grasp mine. in the meantime, i’ll live for the sake of my happiness.