Category: rainbow

i just killed someone

how about that to start a new year, huh?!

evidence. don't tell the police.

evidence. don’t tell the police.

in fact, i just mutilated and stashed the corpse in the dump.

and i still got one victim to go.


okay,Β  in all seriousness, i did mutilate and stash a corpse…

of a red dragon fruit.


and i still got one in the refrigerator for tomorrow.


okay sorry for the joke, because it’s not like i have ever imagined to kill someone just myself, but i couldn’t helpΒ my imagination when my hands were covered in red-purple-ish color. probably a minor side effect of the trauma from knowing that Mary Watson nee Morstan… you know what happened to her in The Six Thatchers, Sherlock season 4 episode 1 that just released on the 1st January. i’m not putting spoiler here, but i’m dying to ramble about this >o<


how’s it going on, guys?

i’ve been MIA for quite some time, and during the time, i had another mental breakdown like once i’d had before, hence the recklessness of wanting to kill myself. looking back, i guess the desperation came from the lack of social interaction i made with people my age.

see, in my class now, it only consists of 9 people with average age of 32 year-old. that means, i’m 7 years away from them. 7 years less of experience, yet 7 years more contemporary. 7 years difference is comparison between 1st grader of elementary school and 2nd grader of junior high school. when the 1st grader of elementary school is crazy about Teletubbies, the 2nd grader of junior high is into Justin Bieber.

so i think if there is anyone who knows quite much about tolerance and diversity, i might just fit.

there’s really not much i can talk about with them since we fall into our own worlds. the only thing we have in common is about our class, unfortunately, much don’t give a crap because of our difference priorities.

to them, their number one priorities might be their children. so, to ask them to participate in group assignment is sometimes even harder than the assignment itself.

meanwhile, i’m still adjusting living in new town, new environment. i’m still experiencing the “5 stages of grief” of moving out.

Denial — i went through this stage by assuring myself that i would have lots of round-trip from Surabaya to Yogyakarta. i actually imagined that i’d be going home for every 2 weeks or so. in fact, once a month is miracle.

Anger — oh i had pretty bad anger stage. i was furious being left out from the information and current events that happened in Yogyakarta that my friends didn’t tell me. the question of “why won’t they understand?”; and “how hard is it to forward info like that?”; also thoughts like “i think we’re best friends” occurred over and over and turned into some anger, angst, sadness.

Bargaining — the moment i realize that distance changes everything, i learn to try to replace some things, discover new habits, and tolerate the way it is instead of still comparing to the old ones. study place, favourite bubble tea, when to wash and iron clothes, and so on. one thing i have to hardly accept is the possibility of the absence of best friends figure that i don’ think i can replace.

Depression — when the bargaining isn’t equal with the outcome, unfortunately we have to fall into depression pit. and believe me – as the person who falls repeatedly – it really depends on ourselves whether we’re willing to back up again, or not. one thing that probably saves me again and again is because i know that depression is just a phase and it will eventually pass, so all i have to do is hold on and keep moving forward.

Acceptance — to make it easy, acceptance is when Jennifer Lawrence declined Chris Pratt’s offer to be hibernated back into the autodoc machine and decided to spend the rest of her lives in the journey to the new planet she’d never step on. it might not be perfect, but it’s your choice to be happy or not. so am i happy? i accept to be.

i notice that i talk about depression probably a bit too much than i should, it’s just because i realize that depression is a real thing, and each person’s coping mechanism is different. if you happen to go through depression, i just hope my experience can help in some way, before you actually go to psychiatrist and get medications. cause believe me, i did consider to go to psychiatrist for the last one, but the idea itself just freaked me out in advance.

well. anyways. it’s new year, you guys!

i can’t say that i’m thrilled entering the new year, because i’ve already received bill after bill i have to pay, not to mention the 2nd semester tuition fee, and the final exam’s not finished yet… so yeah, it seems just like another month with more expense. hahaha

before i close this post, please kindly check my origami creation on


i must say, folding papers give me some peace of minds πŸ˜‰

peace out, people! see you in the next post πŸ™‚



screw the title

i’ve been pausing to write for quite some time. and i think just now i realize why.


truthfully, so many times i went home from the clinic i worked for the past 10 months with thoughts and ideas and sentences and when it was the time i sat and opened my laptop…


i was hella lazy to type them.


i made excuses, like, “i’m exhausted“; or “maybe tomorrow“; or “i still need time to gather some more stories“; orΒ the worst of all “what should be the title?”


and tonight. i’m breaking free. i couldn’t care less about the fricking title.


then an epiphany hit me.


not knowing the title, is actually like us living this life.


us here goes to the fresh graduates.

us here goes to the fellow 20s.

us here goes to you who are still figuring out what to do with your life.


the question of the future might come a little late to my class and me. FYI, i went to Dentistry in Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta, Indonesia. the path i took was all normal. i didn’t accelerate during Junior or High School. so, that made me 18 year-old when i started Dentistry in 2009. the target the faculty gave to us was to graduate in THREE AND HALF years with FOUR years curriculum. i managed to graduate in THREE yearsΒ  AND TEN months.


when friends in other faculties were already panicking about jobs – or probably even getting married, at that time, my friends and i basically were focusing on the extra TWO years as co-AssistantΒ  in order to acquire the title drg or dokter gigi or dentist.


all in all, it’s nearly SIX YEARS, our lives had been neatly scheduled. when the sixth year was almost over, we just had that panic attack.




well. i know that i had to get a job. the thing was, i had too many questions that Google couldn’t give me answers.


what kind of job?

where can i get the job?

so that means i don’t get to hang out with my friends again?

what if i did wrong?

what if i didn’t get the diagnosis right?

what if i didn’t know what to do with the patient?

what if i didn’t know how to write the meds prescription?

what if i couldn’t make enough money?

what if

what if

what if


those ‘what ifs’ are thoughts when i was thinking about a title of a post. those ‘what ifs’ are the ones that holding me back from writing. those ‘what ifs’ are undoubtedly necessary to be considered, but to make a great leap, we all need small step first.


what i’m saying is:


it’s always good to have big plans, but don’t let it confine you. don’t let it define you; instead, YOU are the one who is the rightful person to define the title.


improvisation and plot twist are two elements we often see in good shows, moreover the live ones. and guess what? our lives are not recorded shows, so naturally, yeah. at some points we are required to improvise; and at some points there will be plot twist(s). we wouldn’t be able to do so if we don’t keep moving on.


it is hella scary, the whole concept of graduating, finding that one perfect job, moving out, and so on. at least, we still have GoogleMaps if we’re lost in our new place. i can’t imagine what would have happened to Neil Armstrong if he wasn’t that brave discovering the Moon then suddenly he got lost…


well, that’s a motivation for all of us. we are not totally lost, LOL.


in short, i’m not trying to look wiser or anything as if i’ve figured out my life, but for my dear fellows, i really think that you shouldn’t waste everything that’s already in front of you. every small thing is something you can use to compose your own definition to life.

if what you’ve already get is the only thing you have, do your best anyway, while also pursuing what you really want. you have to believe that the Universe will align and you will get what you’ve been dreaming.


anyways. i’m in different place now. fingers crossed, i’m aiming for another title in the next TWO and HALF years to continue my passion as a lecturer. i’m currently enrolling the Oral Medicine Specialty in Universitas Airlangga, Surabaya, which has been my lifelong dream. and i live alone in an 11th-floor studio. and i can not wait to explore ALL of the malls in Surabaya.


let’s start the improv πŸ˜‰




PS. these people are my classmates. small number, but i hope we can support each other together till the end πŸ™‚


big of a deal

something happened today had me thinking quite long.


back then when i was teenager, i used to bother myself with “why friends my age are making big of a deal about boyfriend/girlfriend?”


i used to be so irritated whenever they were so clingy and too dependable to their partner. i used to think that romantic relationship wasn’t crucial – at that time.


and now i see why.


it’s all about what we know and what we don’t know.


our knowledge affects our opinion and point of view.

this fact is a thing people tend to ignore in having communication with each other. we so often listen to reply, instead of doing so to understand.


in my previous experience, i did admit that i didn’t have that many relationships which perhaps lead me into throwing cynical and skeptical opinions. even worse, i refused to try to apprehend their explanations. this had me going nowhere but selfishness.


what happened to me today was nothing near romantic relationship. it’s actually about this ginormous test i’m taking in couple weeks which will determine my competence of being a real dentist; and about a friend leaving to study abroad in early September.

another close friend suggested to meet up right around when my test will be held. i proposed, that if somehow i can’t make it, they can meet first and leave me since that friend won’t have much time either, while i’ll still be able to bid a farewell at the day of the flight.


and i’m quite surprised that my proposal didn’t get a good reception.


i mean, do you know how important this test is to me? for this time, i can not and i will not split my focus in something i can still do later.

you might as well ask what the test is about and how big of a deal it is for me.


that is the next point.

about how big of a deal you put on each of your business.


no matter when, some people would still think that having romantic relationship is less substantial than having good seats in the theater.

or graduating is less significant than having as much experience as possible.

or saving up your salary is less crucial that spending them on books and games.


it’s about how you make big of a deal of something. and make people to listen and try to reason with why you put it above anything else.




i’m gonna start this post by letting out a heavy sigh.




i realize how much my life changes during the past couple years. whenever i went hanging out with friends, we used to talk about things and never went any deeper than it’s denotative meaning. however we don’t do it anymore.


for instant, the drama between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. when they were still a thing then they broke up, and few moments later Selena decided to have an arabic tattoo on her back which translated to “love yourself first”; we saw it as two different incidences.

but recently, when Selena broke up with Zedd and saying she wouldn’t mind to get back with Bieber, we connected it with why would Selena want Bieber back, what had Bieber done to Selena, what’s the meaning behind Selena’s tattoo, was it something about Bieber, was it as Selena’s proof to Bieber that she’s fine without him, and so on.

i know it’s kinda crazy, but we did it. we did it many times.


i think i can blame on the books and movies i’ve been reading and watching. they dissect simple things and give each piece explanation. and thanks to House MD and my fondness to Oral Medicine, i have this habit to look for the underlying disease, the basic cause of what happened to someone.

so when Selena said that she still wanted to get back with Bieber, i blurted out, “i’m suspicious that Selena had Bieber’s name tattooed on her butt, that’s why she still insisted to get back with him.


because amazingly, after i know the cause, everything makes sense and i can handle it much better.

this reminds me of one of my bestfriends’ problem. at that time, she seemed so desperate facing her life right after her boyfriend broke up with her. i couldn’t understand why she made such a big deal of it, but right after i guessed abruptly in a joking way but it turned out to be precisely the reason why, i could sympathize more.


that’s why as medical practitioners, we don’t just cure the symptoms. you have pain and headache from your impacted third molar, we can carelessly prescribe you an expensive branded analgesic and anti-inflammatory drugs to momentarily relieve your suffer, but no. we are going to say that you need to remove the tooth, otherwise the pain and headache will come back again and again.


i had lunch with Sari the other day, she had mushroom baked rice, i had chicken bbq baked rice. and the conversation went like, “so, it’s just a mixture of rice and mushroom and mozzarella cheese on top, then it’s baked in oven?” | “i think the rice has been fried before with some seasoning, salt, pepper, garlic.” | “don’t you think that the mozzarella needs to melt more? it’s gonna be better if it seeps down to the bottom.

couple years ago, we wouldn’t have had this conversation! probably we would have just talked about anything else but how to make the food.

people may not change, but the situation does.


i’m in my mid-twenties. last year, i attended – if not mistaken – three wedding parties. this year, i’ve already attended one, and gotten 2 other invitations, and God knows how many more, just this year. and most are from the same batch with me.


i think girls my age have similar pressure to prepare when one day we’re married. ideally, after we’re married, we no longer live with our parents, right? so females have somekind of obligation to be able to manage home.


this is the part which i often envy my mum. don’t get me wrong. i admire my mum. my mum cooks, cleans, irons, plants, sews, embroiders, saves money, bakes, used to pick up us from school… my mum basically can do everything. and i can not. how can i not envy my mum? lol.


day by day, take it that we’re one step closer to eventually build our own family. no matter that you have or haven’t found the one, that you have or haven’t had preparation, that you are or aren’t ready, we’re going to have it. this reminds me of this old post of mine when i had conversation with Standie about how empty-headed we were about the concept of marriage.


may be i sound too optimistic. my optimism recently just got Sari and i stranded in a dead-end alley, lol. but i believe that everything we do, go through everyday is a lesson that might be helpful later. we can learn some from books and literature, but some practical learning is just as useful.


have a good night, peeps πŸ™‚



clean slate

the weather is extremely HOT lately. i’m this kind of person who loves blanket and always uses it, whether it’s night sleep or just an afternoon nap. but last night, boy, i couldn’t handle it. i basically kicked the blanket out of the bed. gaaah, it’s terrible.


this situation makes me miss the town i lived in before, Malang. the town is located in highland, surrounded by mountains, so the everyday weather tends to be cold. i lived in Malang for about 17 years, from kindergarten until high school.

i can recall when i was in 5th and 6th grade of elementary school, the class began at 6 a.m. and i lived quite far from the school which forced me to take a bath at 4.30 a.m. so that at 5 a.m. the shuttle wagon could pick me up.


when i think about it, 17 years is such a very long time. so when the time came for me to graduate high school, my dad had me this condition. he freed me to choose any faculty in any university that i wanted to go to, but the ones in Malang. there are some fair uni in Malang, even my dad is a lecturer in one of the uni. however, to continue uni in Malang, is the very last choice – if not prohibited, hahaha.


i once considered to continue to the neighbour country uni in Malaysia, taking Commerce instead of Medicine. that’s why i learned IELTS and TOEFL and eventually took iBT (internet Based TOEFL) as one of the requirements. they asked for minimum score of 580 (PBT) or 92-93 (iBT) if i wanted to enroll without attending the Foundation Year – that means, i could save a year and finish uni faster.

i got 98 for my iBT but for some reasons, the requirements were no longer available for me to skip the Foundation Year. and for the financial reason, i had to cancel my plan to study abroad. instead, i ended up to study Dentistry here in Yogyakarta.


first time in Yogyakarta, i was alone. i knew nobody. i had different dialect. i had to go through billions of introduction. i had no vehicle. i didn’t know where to eat. i was blind, i knew nothing. it was scary.


for my whole life, i was never alone whenever it’s time to advance to next grade. even from elementary to junior high, junior high to high school, i always almost met the same people just different classroom. this time, i was alone. so yes, it was scary.


but guess what?

since it’s an entirely new environment, nobody knew who i was, nobody knew what i liked, nobody knew nothing about me. it’s almost like being reincarnated. i could act crazy and nobody needed to know that i hadn’t always been crazy before.


about a month ago, a friend and i had a talk about Journalism organization we were once in. i was the secretary then got promoted to be the editor in chief. then she asked me about my organizational activity during my middle school.


i said:

i was an anti-social back then. i didn’t join any organization. i hated the jocks. i hated the flag-raisers troop. i thought that they were so pompous, conceited, cocky just because they were popular. i didn’t socialize much. i went straight to home right after the bell rang.


then my friend told me that somehow she doesn’t see me that way during the college. she thought that i’ve always been the kind of person who comes up with ideas and breakthroughs in every discussion since i worked as lab work assistants in three different subjects during college and my position in the Journalism.


honest to say, i did want my life to change. i never really planned this to happen but somehow, it’s just the way i lived my life ever since i got into this uni in this new city.


i think everyone, once in a while, ever feels like to have this restart button. just like a game console, when you don’t like the progress, you can do it over again.

like those movies, people dying to get the clean slate so that they can do over their life.

in my case, my clean slate is not by erasing my entire identity and create a new one. i just moved to a new environment and adapt.


i maybe still am an anti-social. but i’m forced to set aside that trait because of my new environment. i also don’t socialize much. i avoid hanging out, sitting in a cafe with a bunch of people i’m not really close with. i’d rather stay at home and watching House MD again and again. but there’s nothing wrong with greeting people you meet everyday, it’s just being nice and polite.

because from what i believe, people don’t change. they adapt. and that’s my adaptation.


desire of wanting a clean slate usually comes from saturation. easiest way to get rid of the saturation is to do something new and probably different. it doesn’t have to be really extreme. sometimes small change is just enough for you to adapt then decrease even dump the saturation.

for example, if you’re bored with your room, you don’t have to instantly move out and look for new house. you can stick some posters, or wall stickers, or luminous star decoration on your ceiling. maybe change the table position. get new shelf. get new lamps.

and if you’re sick of your life, my little suggestion:

get away.

go to the beach. go hiking. take a walk. just go far from your current life, for a little while.


sometimes your new experience will give you new point of view in living your life.

because having clean slate doesn’t mean creating the new you, just giving the same old you another chance to fix your life.



most of my post is based on what i experienced, what happened to my life. so basically, when nothing happened, i can’t write anything, lol.


however, in some cases a lot of things happened but i can’t really write them due to personal issue. but in this case, i think i really should turn them into words.


i became more aware of myself that i’m no longer in a ‘young’ category. well, i always have the rights to say to live wild, young and free. however, in all bitterness, 23 years old is nowhere near young.


from what i understand – this requires correction if it turns out to be wrong – American family consider 18 years old as threshold from young to adult. 18 is the age when you are no longer your parents’ responsibility cause you are your own person. basically, what you do when you’re 18 years old onwards is all your business.


looking at myself now, i’m fricking 23 years old, still draining my parents’ money to finish my study, no other incomes other than from both of my parents.


a good friend of mine, Chloe, she lives in the fancy UK. she was born in 1993, and she just graduated about a month ago and now looking for jobs. she was 2 years younger than me. and already looking for jobs.


what does that make me?


that makes me think of what i should be doing, what i will be doing.


there are actually only 2 things people ask to you when you reach certain age, like when you’re in your 20s.

a) how’s your work?

b) when will you get married?


i realize this is not a permanent pattern, depends on your culture and environment. but here where i live, those two questions are like the trending topic, and for those who really haven’t got the answer, being asked those questions makes this heavy boots, uneasy feeling on your stomach, and sudden urge to punch the person who ask it.


both work and marriage have one similarity: compromise.


to have stable life, we need money, which we get from working our asses off. i heard from many people that their current job is actually not even close to their passion. because if they keep looking jobs equivalent to their passion, they would probably end up homeless and crazy. here they need to compromise their idealistic goal to something more essential: survive. whatever it takes for them to make a living.


hereby i congratulate those of you who have found suitable jobs which you’re so passionate about yet still gives you good income.


one person that suits in that category probably is one of my favourite Youtuber/vlogger: Anna Akana. she did say something about compromise in one of her vlog about almost couple years ago – compromising your relationship.


although now Anna is not with Ray anymore, that doesn’t diminish her point about maintaining relationship. it does need a lot of work and, yes, it’s all about compromise.


one of my friend – i will not say who the person is, so let’s say the name is Caroline – has this long distance relationship with a man who already has job and the man is totally serious to her, like, someday sooner or later, he wants to marry her. i’m not really sure how they communicate, or how deep they love each other, but Caroline constantly whines about how he doesn’t care that much about her. but when he didn’t text her, she got really upset. this sorta confused me, really.


one day, i heard form other friend, that Caroline’s relationship is on a brink of destruction. it’s because Caroline thought that he doesn’t give his time for her as much as she does to him. she thought that both of them are crazy busy but she still spares her time for him, but even he forgot her birthday.


first of all, for all males in the world, forgetting birthday of someone you really love, is fatal.

it’s if you really care and love her. if you don’t, well… that’s different matter.


second of all, here is where our ‘compromise’ being tested. to love and be loved are somewhat amazing, thanks to all of the hormones responsible. but then again, back to the stable life need. it’s hard enough to fulfill your OWN needs. for men, they have to fulfill his FAMILY’S needs. started from his wife, then their first child, second child, probably third child, his parents, his parents in law, his siblings…


as friends, we already tried so dang hard to convince Caroline that she shouldn’t make a big of that ‘problem’. his busy might be different with her busy. but she keeps being stubborn by replying that no matter how busy he is he should have remembered her birthday, he should have had more time for her.


it’s not that we don’t respect Caroline’s decision, but again, in our 20s, 23 or 24 or even 25 years old, we are no longer young. and like it or not, to marry and have family are necessary to think about very carefully. it’s time to understand the difference between being idealist and stubborn.


to be idealist, they have been through so many arguments – win or lose – and those build the particular view the idealist hold tight. but stubborn have this unchangeable opinion in their head irregardless how good others defy it.


in my opinion, you don’t want to be stubborn. nobody wants it. i don’t want it.

to have principle is one thing. just keep it rational, simple and clear.

unreasonable reason is what you call stubborn.



tuesday with…

this is not a review of Mitch Albom’s novel, Tuesday with Morrie. firstly, because i haven’t read it. secondly, because it’s my story.


somehow this Tuesday felt different.


tuesday with bu beti

i was going to the campus early. i had appointment with a patient to have a check of the denture i made. the patient had worn the denture for about 2 months now, thankfully without any complaint :’


we agreed to meet at 8 am. but somehow until 8.30 the patient hadn’t appeared and didn’t reply my text message. i was kinda afraid that the patient would bail on me – again for the 3rd times. so i sat outside the clinic, to pay more attention to everyone passed by. who knew that one of them might be my patient.


as i waited, reading The Help on iBook, one of the nurse named Bu Beti, came and dragged me away. i was like, “what happened? did i do something wrong?” but she was like, “just ssh, follow me.”


it turned out, she dragged me to one of my lecturers. bu beti said to my lecturer, “here’s the person. her uncle is single and looking, too!”


i laughed because it was about being matchmaker. i do have an uncle who is currently single and looking. he is a doctor, specialized in ophthalmology. and apparently, my lecturer’s first daughter (from 3) who is an architect, is also currently single and looking. what made my lecturer kinda in rush was that her other daughters are all married.


my lecturer’s daughter and my uncle both are in their late 30s. i have no idea if they would click each other and eventually get married… i just thought that i can somehow feel my lecturer’s worry.


even though late 30s is not old yet, but it’s not young either. i really can’t relate to people in their 30s but still not married yet, about how they feel for their own state or about other people nagging them to get married ASAP. because naturally, for this kind of thing, human beings don’t want others to interfere too much. human beings want it to come closer by itself instead of being forced.


state of being in love somehow is something that can not be compelled. but it can be induced. and all human beings got to do is simply to open their heart.


if a house’s door isn’t opened, nobody will enter, right?


same thing goes to our heart.


tuesday with fitri

fitri is one of my friends from the same batch in campus. today we met at the orthodontic department. when we were just talking about the college life, suddenly she told me that her ‘abang’ – the way she calls his boyfriend, was being romantic and sweet by giving her tooth-shaped sleeping lamp.


she said that abang didn’t always get her what she wanted at the time, but abang always memorized them all. she also excitedly told me about how abang tried so hard to surprise her, to customize the gifts and all.


i could tell that fitri was really grateful for having abang on her side. and that was the sweetest. i couldn’t be happier for her πŸ™‚


tuesday with wisnu

stupidly enough, i planned to control my orthodontic patient, who wears expanding appliance, but i forgot to bring my sliding calipers to measure the gap. so i had to borrow campus’ calipers which was somehow disappeared.


after looking to every corners, asking everyone about the whereabouts of the calipers, i found them. they were being used by my friend named wisnu.


it’s been quite long time since i met him. so we had a chit chat about each other’s life and whatnot. then wisnu told me that his older brother just got a great job with huge salary. he kinda complained about how he had ‘wasted’ his 5 years in Dentistry, still hadn’t had job, how he felt like he should have not entered Dentistry, also his confusion if later he would take specialization – considering oral surgery but oral surgery takes forever to finish.


one of his acquaintances said to him that if what we look for is wealth, we shouldn’t get involved in medicine. because medicine takes time, and money, and more of dedication or social service. while – take it – we do desperately need money to survive. oh, life, could you be any more complex?


tuesday with you

oh, you know who you are πŸ™‚



few months ago, a really good friend of mine, mbak Nina, asked Charin and me to take this online personality test called 16 Personalities. why is it 16 Personalities, because each is combination from 4 pairs basic personalities:


extraverted vs introverted

intuitive vs observant

thinking vs feeling

judging vs prospecting


she made a guess before we took the quiz that both Charin and i will be introverted for the first category – well, this is quite obvious because basically we all three are introvert, lol.Β one funny thing about us three is we are almost like sisters in crime, we share a lot of similar thoughts, characters and ideas. long story short, we took em, and…


i got ISFP. but not really sure with the result, i took another quiz and the result was…



i am a changed person!!!!


hahaha. sorry for being hyperbolic.


i don’t know what’s different from my answer, but now i’m an INFP person. consulting with mbak Nina and Charin, Observant people usually are carpe diem, YOLO – or as Ryan Higa said: EBOLO! , live the moment kind of people.


i guess that one trait of intuitive vs observant is somewhat rather in balance for me. before when i got Observant, there was only little difference with being Intuitive. now when i was described as Intuitive, and as you can see, only 13% more than being Observant. not that different either, right?


why am i being this concern about impulsivity, is because, i am often acting impulsive.


couple months ago, i was in this transition period at campus, when i had to go to campus but i didn’t really have anything to do. so suddenly, at midday, Reina and i decided to go to other town, Solo. it is a 1.5 hour to 2 hours driving just to get there. we didn’t know what we would do there. we just knew that we wanted to have that incidental road trip.

we made it. we arrived in Solo at around 4.30 pm, then parked in the nearest mall lol. we did window shopping for shoes, then had dinner, then at around 6 pm, we departed back to Yogyakarta. it was almost 8 pm when we were home. awesome, right? lmao.


a month ago, i was talking with some friends about coloring hair using the do-it-yourself-hair-dye. little did i know that at the same day, i instantly went to buy one package of mahogany color hair dye. i went home. i lock the bathroom. i stayed in the bathroom for 1.5 hour. and…

i did it. i did dye my hair at the same day with the idea came up.

altho it didn’t come up really good since the mahogany dye couldn’t penetrate enough into my black hair and the color didn’t spread quite evenly. but i was happy with the process, with the result hahaha. i have been wanting to have dark but not black hair. and i’m gonna keep this until, i don’t know, probably next month or two because i want to dye it ash-blonde. hahaha


a week ago, precisely when Mockingjay Part 1 released, i wanted to watch it soooo bad. but unfortunately i had no friend to watch with. Reina was in her hometown, sick. mbak Inggit had bought ticket for herself for the night show. i didn’t have time to ask anybody else because of my uncertain schedule that day, and i really don’t want to watch movie just by myself.

so, it was 1 in the afternoon. i walked to the parking lot. if nobody could accompany me, well, i would just watch Mockingjay other day when Reina came back.

suddenly, a junior who had been in the same work with me as Biochemistry Assistant named Dian, passed through my car when i was about to get in the car. she said hello to me, i replied, hadn’t gotten in the car.


i asked her, “where are you going?”

she answered, “to my car.”

“are you going home already?”

“yes, i am.”

the out of the blue, “you wanna watch movie?”

“like, now?”



“dead serious.”

3 seconds pause and… “okay.”


and there we were. went to the cinema, without knowing whether we would still get tickets for the movie or not. we arrived at 1.40 pm, and surprisingly, we still got fair seats for the 2nd show at 2.25.


so far, being impulsive works quite well for me. because plans are overrated. plan is just a way to disappointment. screw the quiz result whether i’m ISFP or INFP because we didn’t live the past, we won’t know the future. we live the present, and let’s make the most of it πŸ˜‰


ps. i don’t know why i’m being this happy go lucky, lol.




bukannya mau anti-mainstream gimana, tapi tulisan kali ini sama sekali tidak berhubungan dengan berakhirnya Ramadhan, sedihnya bulan Ramadhan usai, maupun hingar bingar perayaan Idul Fitri dan mohon maaf lahir batinnya.


well, ya udah deh. maaf lahir batin dulu boleh deh. hehehe


sorry for all of my mistakes ya gays, humbly seeking for your forgiveness deh. awkay? awkay.


jadi tulisan ini adalah tentang…




satu-satu ya di-breakdown.


belakangan, tetiba kerasa udah tua -_-

seminggu yang lalu, buka youtube lagu Sheila on 7, Hingga Ujung Waktu atas arahan masnya *nyengir*

yang kemudian atas suggestion youtube, ada film 30 Hari Mencari Cinta yang terpampang di sana.


that brought me to, “ermagah this movie was a hit when i was in Junior High.”

kemudian aku menghitung mundur. SMP. itu artinya…

9-11 tahun yang lalu, sodarah-sodarah sekalian



gila nggak tuh. udah lama banget kan sembilan tahun itu, apalagi sepuluh, sebelas tahun! memang belum setua, sesenior bapak-ibuk kita yang looking back 30 years or more to their Junior High. tapi sembilan, sepuluh, sebelas tahun is enough to make me think that i’m already old, geez ><


tentang sebelas tahun yang lalu, ketika film 30 Hari Mencari Cinta sedang ngetren-ngetrennya, dulu sempet diajak dua temen buat ikut-ikutan. bikin taruhan, dalam 30 hari jadian, yang nggak jadian traktir temen-temennya.

nope. aku nggak ikutan. alasannya?


they are my friends, but i don’t belong to that kind of community.


pola yang sama terjadi, tentang 2 tahun berikutnya, tentang masa SMA.


yeah you’re my classmates, perhaps good friends too, tapi no thanks kalau disuruh ikutan ngumpul dalam jumlah besar karena apalah aku dibandingkan dengan orang-orang yang superior-superior seperti lainnya. beberapa sering meng-encourage “ayo ikutan, ayo dateng aja buat ramai-ramai.” the fact is: ya yang ramai ya orang itu-itu aja. minoritas sepertiku, bisa apa me-reach out mereka yang seepertinya nggak ada intention untuk merangkul semua orang?


bukannya apa-apa sebetulnya, tapi, yaaah i don’t really fit in big community.


tentang SMP, aku punya beberapa teman dekat, yang mostly sekarang entah di mana maupun bagaimana juntrungnya.

tentang SMA, thanks to my anti-social trait, i basically pushed away people around me. dan beberapa orang yang jadi sahabat pun mulai tercerai-berai.


tentang kangen. aku kangen dulu di jaman SMP tinggal di sekolah sampai siang sekali, fooling around in class, nyanyi-nyanyi nggak jelas, terus nitip tas di atas lemari kelas buat ditinggal pergi ke swalayan Mitra (yang sekarang kabarnya Mitra sudah dihancurkan) dengan Tasha, Yudis, Tata, Tika, Ann, masuk ke KFC-nya, hanya buat makan ice cream cone atau ke pujaseranya buat minum es kelapa muda yang kelapanya terlalu tua.

tentang Tasha, sampai 2 tahun lalu Tasha terbilang sering ke jogja, jauh-jauh dari jekardah, mengunjungi teman dekatnya (yang lain). sekarang Tasha masih di jekardah, job seeker.

tentang Yudis, kabarnya masih menjalani koas kedokteran gigi juga sepertiku, tapi di universitas di malang sana.

tentang Tata, kelihatannya sih, sudah lulus dari sastra jepangnya.

tentang Tika, tampaknya sudah kerja, entah di mana.

tentang Ann. i hope you’re doing what you really want, what you think is right.


tentang kangen. di SMA bisa ketemu Siska dan Desti (Mak’e) mungkin adalah titik balik ya. tanpa sadar, banyak good traits yang terasah karena berkawan dengan mereka. suka banget ngajak Siska renang di kolam renang deket rumah. sukaaaa banget nyeret Siska ke gramedia pusat buat milih-milih buku yang nggak akan aku beli. dan favorit banget nge-bully Mak’e yang super ndeso dan lugu tur polos tapi kok ya nggak pernah marah.

tentang Siska, lupa gimana ceritanya, tapi aku lebih sering memanggilnya sebagai cezca hahaha. kabar terakhir kudapat kemarin sebelum lebaran. job seeker, saat ini di malang.

tentang Mak’e, duh ampun mak, sudah berapa lama kita nggak berkontak, ampun, ampuni anakmu ini mak. kelihatannya masih koas kedokteran di universitas di malang.


tentang kangen.

kangen banget sama mereka. kangen banget masa-masa itu.

tentang permasalahan terbesar di kelas hanya PR Fisika yang entah mau diapain itu angka dan rumusnya.

tentang kelabilan remaja yang ngefans banget sama Jonas Brothers.


tapi itu semua tentang kangen yang hanya bisa diandai-andai dan akan ada terus rasa kangennya karena gak bisa kesampaian.

kalaupun toh waktu bisa diputar, apakah akan ada yang kuubah?

mungkin ada.

ingin kuubah?

as weird as it sounds, enggak.


kalau ada yang kuubah, aku gak akan kangen pada yang bisa meredakan rasa kangen saat ini.


tentang kangen, gak bisa lepas dari tentang kamu, ya.





halo semuanya


saya nggak tau berapa banyak dari kalian yang sempet membaca, terpaksa membaca, atau baru membaca ketika saya ngaku, mengenai dua post sebelum ini. iya, tentang pengakuan saya tentang segala-omong-kosong-bernama bunuh diri alias suicide itu. anehnya, saya lebih merasa nyaman ngomong suicide ketimbang bunuh diri, mungkin karena bunuh diri terasa lebih riil.


saya masih hidup, ini tulisan dari kesepuluh jari saya, meskipun paling pol juga cuma empat sampai enam jari aja yang biasanya dipakai ngetik. belum kesampaian coba-coba memainkan cutter. belum terkumpul keberanian untuk manjat Pertamina Tower. dan belum kepikir juga mau nenggak obat apa aja untuk mencapai yang namanya overdosis.


yah intinya, suicide itu bodoh. saya ngerti kok, suicide itu goblok. paling enggak, saya masih setengah goblok lah, ya. baru sampai mikir pengen coba suicide.


kemarin sempat bikin panik Charina dan mbak Nina. dengan tetiba saya ngetik di grup WhatsApp kami bertiga.


hehehehe setelah ngetik hal seperti itu, terus saya tinggal gitu aja. message nggak saya bales. mention twitter juga. alhasil mereka panik, hahaha. duh maaf yaa, maaf, maaf bangeet πŸ™‚ bagaimanapun terima kasih atas kata-kata tamparannya. hehehe


belakangan pikiran campur aduk. jadi kayak balik ke jaman skripsi. udah campur aduk, suka nggak bener gitu deh mikirnya. sedang banyak tekanan dari sana sini.

dari mana aja?

dari sana. dari sini.


saya nggak inget saya pernah se… depresi (?) ini sebelumnya. bisa dikatakan 3 bulan di awal tahun 2014 ini mungkin adalah yang terberat sepanjang masa. mungkin. saya nggak tahu lagi, saya nggak punya memori fotografik, hahaha. mengapa saya katakan demikian, karena, frekuensi nangis bukan karena nonton film meningkat drastis. heran sendiri saya.


entah ya, apa saya yang makin fragile, nggak tahan banting, atau memang tekanannya jauh lebih besar dari yang pernah saya hadapi. bisa juga karena belakangan semua hal jadi saya pikir dalem-dalem, banget. nggak cuma dirasa tapi juga dipikir. padahal bisa jadi nggak semua hal itu merupakan masalah yang perlu dicari solusinya. logika bodohnya ya, ngapain cari solusi buat sesuatu yang adalah bukan masalah? ya sampai saya boleh minum bir juga nggak bakal ketemu solusinya, karena nggak ada yang perlu diselesaikan.


cerita lain, laptop saya ceritanya habis rusak lagi nih. sempat dua minggu nggak pegang laptop padahal lagi ngejar sebuah tugas paper. akhirnya saya kerjain pake tablet dong. translate jurnal, ngerjain laporan bedah. gaul, kan. hahaha. gila deh, begitu laptop maha gagal move on ini kembali ke pangkuan rasanya kayak jatuh cinta lagi #haish.


kenapa dikasih nama laptop maha gagal move on? karena OS nya masih Windowx XP. Standard Pack 2. tuh. kurang gagal move on apa. kekekeke


terus, dulu tuh ceritanya sempat getaway sama si Reina Icil Markucil. dia nebeng saya. di tengah perjalanan, tau-tau aja dia tanya, “cinta pertamamu siapa, cul?” saya diam. saya mikir.


sebenernya, yang disebut cinta pertama itu yang bagaimana, sih? cinta pertama sama cinta monyet itu sama apa beda? kalau beda, terus yang namanya cinta pertama itu (sekali lagi) yang bagaimana?


tuh, saya tuh kayaknya kebanyakan mikir yang begituan deh ya.


jujur nih, saya bener-bener nggak tahu lho mau jawab apa atas pertanyaannya Reina itu. yaaa memang sih jaman SD-SMP-SMA taksir-taksiran #cieeh. tapi untuk menyebutkan salah satunya (halah) sebagai cinta pertama kok kayaknya nggak ada feel-nya ya. ah yaudin sih ya.


saya kan bukan Princess Disney yang jatuh cinta dengan gampangnya pada pandangan pertama, terus langsung diajak nikah gitu sama Pangerannya. karena kenyataannya sedikit mustahil ada beneran yang namanya cinta pada pandangan pertama.


duh ngelantur ke mana aja sih ini. judul sama isi post nya melenceng jauh.


ehem, jadi, karena si laptop maha gagal move on baru selesai di-servis, baru bisa kembali buka-buka blog beberapa orang *bilang aja stalking, susah amat sih, ga.

terus, terbukalah ‘blog-itu’. jreng jreeeeng.


bukan blog penuh motivasi. bukan blog penuh informasi. bisa dikatakan hanya blog pribadi. yang setiap kali saya buka terus aja bikin iri.


si empunya blog itu saat ini sudah dapet kerja di suatu tempat #duh. lumayan jauh dari tempat saya berada saat ini, ngetik post ini dengan selonya. lalu, seperti yang sudah-sudah, saya jadi mikir.


kira-kira. kira-kira, nih. tahun depan orang ini bakal ada di mana ya? dua tahun, tiga tahun, empat tahun, lima tahun ke depan, dia bakal ada di mana?


kemarin ngobrol sama Rizal yang dengan bangganya memproklamirkan keeksisannya di Line. selain meributkan fitur free call yang nggak berjalan sesuai janji untuk versi PC, kami juga meributkan rencana gila mau pergi ke mana saja di masa depan. Rizal bilang dia gak jadi mau ke Jerman. putar haluan ke New Zealand. udah berasa MH 370 ya, putar baliknya drastis banget. terus mau Eurotrip.


terus saya sendiri gimana ya. beberapa tahun dari sekarang, kira-kira saya ada di mana ya?


maunya sih… somewhere Aussie. tapi itu kalau nggak terhalang, misal nih, MISAL YA, INI MISALNYA AJA SIH YA, siapa tahu ada yang ngelamar terus saya terima. terus… terus…

saya jadi ke Aussie nggak ya kira-kira?

kalau saya nggak jadi ke Aussie, terus gimana?

terus saya lebih baik nyusun rencana dari sekarang nggak nih baiknya?

terus… terus…



mereka bilang sih, keep moving forward.

yaa iya sih, bumi itu bulat. kalaupun jalan terus juga pol kembali ke tempat semula.

tapi agak sedih juga kalau jalan terus tapi nggak ada tujuan yang jelas.


tuh, bingung sendiri, kan, gara-gara mikir beginian. heuh aga, aga.