Tag Archive: depression


i am here


*cough*

 

i’m not going anywhere

 

i’m here. i’m still here.

 

am i still the same person?

 

perhaps.

 

i’m not sure.

 

is it good if i am still the same person?

 

or is it not?

 

***

 

it took me roughly 12 months to eventually write (type) again. what held me up so long?

 

reality.

 

honesty.

 

sanity.

 

***

 

reality caught me up. remember how excited i was to begin my residency?

 

yeah, i am not too excited now to keep going on.

 

environment. i would blame environment. i wrote that i’m the youngest in my class. i still am. and it seems to be that others take this as their advantage.

 

“you’re not married yet. get this done.”

 

“you have no child. get that done.”

 

even to myself, i say, “you’re not married yet. you have no child. be at hospital earliest. in case those who are already married, those who already have child(ren) don’t come on time.”

 

and what i achieve is heartache because they don’t seem to (at least) try to acknowledge my comprehension and reciprocate to it.

 

what, be less caring, you say? don’t think that i haven’t tried. i did. and i couldn’t. and it sucks.

 

environment. i would blame environment. new system. new teachers. new characteristics. new behaviours. new mindsets. that unfortunately dissimilar with my old environment.

 

i’m young. naturally, youngsters rebel. but it doesn’t mean that we don’t need rules.

 

i’ve been given roads. without road markings. however, as soon as i take the presumably wrong turn, i’m the one to blame. not the road makers.

 

i’m so pissed.

 

i’m so fed up.

 

i’m so done with the erratic push.

 

“do this ASAP!” but then “do that ASAP!” no wait “this is URGENT!”

 

dang it.

 

***

 

you know what’s urgent?

 

my sanity.

 

i can not emphasize enough how important sanity is.

 

sanity is the one parameter that differs us and the dead; because, what’s the use of living with insanity?

 

i’m struggling with unknown struggles.

 

i’m struggling to get up from bed.

 

i’m struggling to eat.

 

i’m struggling to keep everyone satisfied.

 

i’m struggling to make everyone not alone.

 

i’m struggling to finish.

 

when am i struggling for me?

 

***

 

*sobbing*

 

***

 

i’m trying to be honest. but these days, people don’t want honesty.

 

they want to be pleased.

 

i’m being honest when i said i don’t have friends.

 

i’m being honest when i said i’m not pretty. i’m not smart.

 

i’m being honest when i said i’m bored with my life.

 

i’m being honest when i said i thought about ending my life.

 

but honestly, i don’t even know why i am being honest. most of the times what i get form honesty is: being underestimated or disbelieve.

 

***

 

dude, i’m doing all of those crappy tasks just because i’m exhausted to keep commanding all of you.

 

you are all grown ups. i’m a child compared to you all. you all should’ve known better about responsibility.

 

***

 

yet. i’m here. i’m still here.

 

i’m not going anywhere.

 

i am, actually.

 

i’m going to cross the chequered flag.

 

let’s do this.

 

for me.

 

-aga-

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i just killed someone


how about that to start a new year, huh?!

evidence. don't tell the police.

evidence. don’t tell the police.

in fact, i just mutilated and stashed the corpse in the dump.

and i still got one victim to go.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA


okay,Β  in all seriousness, i did mutilate and stash a corpse…

of a red dragon fruit.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

and i still got one in the refrigerator for tomorrow.

LMAO.

okay sorry for the joke, because it’s not like i have ever imagined to kill someone just myself, but i couldn’t helpΒ my imagination when my hands were covered in red-purple-ish color. probably a minor side effect of the trauma from knowing that Mary Watson nee Morstan… you know what happened to her in The Six Thatchers, Sherlock season 4 episode 1 that just released on the 1st January. i’m not putting spoiler here, but i’m dying to ramble about this >o<

soo

how’s it going on, guys?

i’ve been MIA for quite some time, and during the time, i had another mental breakdown like once i’d had before, hence the recklessness of wanting to kill myself. looking back, i guess the desperation came from the lack of social interaction i made with people my age.

see, in my class now, it only consists of 9 people with average age of 32 year-old. that means, i’m 7 years away from them. 7 years less of experience, yet 7 years more contemporary. 7 years difference is comparison between 1st grader of elementary school and 2nd grader of junior high school. when the 1st grader of elementary school is crazy about Teletubbies, the 2nd grader of junior high is into Justin Bieber.

so i think if there is anyone who knows quite much about tolerance and diversity, i might just fit.

there’s really not much i can talk about with them since we fall into our own worlds. the only thing we have in common is about our class, unfortunately, much don’t give a crap because of our difference priorities.

to them, their number one priorities might be their children. so, to ask them to participate in group assignment is sometimes even harder than the assignment itself.

meanwhile, i’m still adjusting living in new town, new environment. i’m still experiencing the “5 stages of grief” of moving out.

Denial — i went through this stage by assuring myself that i would have lots of round-trip from Surabaya to Yogyakarta. i actually imagined that i’d be going home for every 2 weeks or so. in fact, once a month is miracle.

Anger — oh i had pretty bad anger stage. i was furious being left out from the information and current events that happened in Yogyakarta that my friends didn’t tell me. the question of “why won’t they understand?”; and “how hard is it to forward info like that?”; also thoughts like “i think we’re best friends” occurred over and over and turned into some anger, angst, sadness.

Bargaining — the moment i realize that distance changes everything, i learn to try to replace some things, discover new habits, and tolerate the way it is instead of still comparing to the old ones. study place, favourite bubble tea, when to wash and iron clothes, and so on. one thing i have to hardly accept is the possibility of the absence of best friends figure that i don’ think i can replace.

Depression — when the bargaining isn’t equal with the outcome, unfortunately we have to fall into depression pit. and believe me – as the person who falls repeatedly – it really depends on ourselves whether we’re willing to back up again, or not. one thing that probably saves me again and again is because i know that depression is just a phase and it will eventually pass, so all i have to do is hold on and keep moving forward.

Acceptance — to make it easy, acceptance is when Jennifer Lawrence declined Chris Pratt’s offer to be hibernated back into the autodoc machine and decided to spend the rest of her lives in the journey to the new planet she’d never step on. it might not be perfect, but it’s your choice to be happy or not. so am i happy? i accept to be.

i notice that i talk about depression probably a bit too much than i should, it’s just because i realize that depression is a real thing, and each person’s coping mechanism is different. if you happen to go through depression, i just hope my experience can help in some way, before you actually go to psychiatrist and get medications. cause believe me, i did consider to go to psychiatrist for the last one, but the idea itself just freaked me out in advance.

well. anyways. it’s new year, you guys!

i can’t say that i’m thrilled entering the new year, because i’ve already received bill after bill i have to pay, not to mention the 2nd semester tuition fee, and the final exam’s not finished yet… so yeah, it seems just like another month with more expense. hahaha

before i close this post, please kindly check my origami creation on https://www.instagram.com/sweetsweetsurprise/

πŸ˜€

i must say, folding papers give me some peace of minds πŸ˜‰

peace out, people! see you in the next post πŸ™‚

-aga-