Category: pink


up in the air


i sometimes have this thing with movies.

 

thing like i have urge to watch a particular movie, but i postpone to watch it, for days, or months, even years. and suddenly when i watch it, maybe 2 years late, even 7 years late… the movie actually suits me very well at the moment. like, IF i watched it exactly when it first came out, i wouldn’t have related to the movie as much, and the movie wouldn’t have left any impression for me.

 

that thing happened this afternoon.

 

the movie i watched was Up In The Air (2009).

 

i remember when it first came out as a ‘coming soon’ on a movie magazine, i couldn’t help but excited just because George Clooney and Anna Kendrick were in it. George Clooney had some portion in my brain as Batman and Danny Ocean; while Anna Kendrick as Scott Pilgrim’s sister and – of course – Beca Mitchell; although back then Pitch Perfect might be still a blurry concept.

 

anyway. finally i watched the movie.

 

but i have to talk about something before i can relate to the movie.

 

so, about a week ago i attended this training as a part of my employment as one of young lecturers in my almamater uni. i gotta say that the training was beyond my expectation. unfortunately, half of it was because – in my word – it was a sugarcoated brainwash.

 

i expected that we were supposed to be taught how to be a good – if not great – lecturers by improving our skills in teaching, speaking, planning on the curriculum and mark percentage; or… else.

 

instead, we were forced to do researches as much as we could, because the only parameters to judge if a lecturer is good or not is only through the publications, which also could effect of the uni’s rank. so they thought this would be a win-win solution.

 

deep in my heart, i said a loud: NO.

 

this is not right.

 

being forced is actually a very light diction. i was about to use the word “enslaved”.

 

the way i see it, we were asked to leave any human contact – apart with another researchers – because we need to commit to the research 24/7. what i came up with, pretty sure not one they look forward to. but i couldn’t help it because for 5 days of training, basically that was what they kept repeating. for the first time, it was mind blowing and eye opening. but for the third, fourth, tenth, fifteenth… i was somewhat sick.

 

it’s like slapstick comedy. it’s hilarious at the first time, but repulsive for the next times.

 

as i said, for 5 days of training, they didn’t say anything about maintaining your career with your personal life, as if we didn’t have any. even the women speaker didn’t mention it, not in the slightest.

 

then i just kept this for myself. because maybe, it’s just me who think of it. and i’m basically doomed.

 

it’s when Up In The Air showed up.

 

Natalie Keener, the one Anna Kendrick portrayed, got dumped by his boyfriend in the middle of the movie. then, she said:

 

“Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it’s not gonna matter until I find the right guy.”

 

OMG, I’M NOT ALONE.

 

people who wrote that script, that exact lines… get me.

 

7 years ago, when i just got in uni, i wouldn’t have understood what that means.

 

now. it goes right to the feels, bro.

 

what i’m trying to point is not the “right guy” part.

 

i’m actually aiming for “personal life” part.

 

even the most personal business in someone’s life needs companion.

 

perhaps, in training i didn’t get that from any of the speakers. perhaps it’s because they happen to already have spouses who are right, so they can understand their work, how much they’re demanded, and how they can compromise with each others’ conditions.

 

and i guess, because it’s so personal, we can not equalize every lives, can we?

 

you know, may be i just needed assurance. i just needed other people to say it, to agree with me, that it’s still important to have personal life.

 

why do i think that having personal life is so fundamental, if you ask?

 

well.

 

humans were created with hearts for a purpose.

 

being personal is the only chance we have to fully use our hearts.

 

we’re nothing different with robots if we don’t use our hearts.

 

well. i think i ended this post quite nicely. not bad after quite some time i didn’t write, lol.

 

-aga-

Advertisements

rose


every rose has its thorn.

 

cause God made us perfectly imperfect.

 

for every brightness, there is darkness.

 

for every kindness, there is mistake.

 

and who would have guessed that mistake from people we care about, most of the times, is the one we took (too) seriously?

 

because when i think about it, nobody in their right mind would intentionally want to hurt people they care.

 

they just sometimes carelessly choose the unwise decision.

 

like, to a rose.

 

we could decide to enjoy its beauty from afar, away from the thorn;

or to take a chance to cut its stem, and get pierced by its thorn.

 

being hurt by people we care about is as hurtful as being pierced by rose thorn.

 

why?

 

because we know it’s there. we know nobody’s perfect. but we let ourselves believe that the thorn won’t hurt if we’re careful. thorn is thorn. it’s pointy. it hurts. so does mistake.

 

then again, every rose has not only one thorn.

nobody will only do one mistake.

 

brace yourself.

 

you’ll need band-aids.

 

-aga-

simple?


what i’m about to write is probably rather controversial, because it’s pure coming from my own thought. and this thought has bothered me quite long enough it’s driving me nuts.

 

i feel like slapping those who said that marriage is a simple thing. if i could have any chances, i would. repeatedly.

 

marriage is nowhere near simple. a man can say that he’s eligible enough to take a girl’s hand in marriage, but guess what, it’s not only his opinion whether he’s eligible or not.

 

assumption without recognition is nothing but narcissism.

 

where do we get the recognition? at least from both family to be joined by the marriage.

 

the thing is, it might not be earned in the very short period.

 

see that relationships take their own roads at their own speeds. i see that we hope one day we will be spending the rest of our lives with the one we love, but the path towards that goal is in fact not only one. even i believe that each one of us has at least one, maybe more paths, although eventually we are heading to the same direction.

 

don’t blame those who change partners so frequently. they might have no clue, yet, as to what they’re looking for as a partner. there might be some talking behind, but as human being, what do we talk about if not about other human being?

 

it’s not really a crime to have some experiences before you settle with the one. yes, there will be broken heart(s). but taken from one of my fav teenager serial, Wizards of Waverly Place, Alex’s mum once said:

i’m not saying that it’s a pleasant kind of feeling. but it’s a worth lesson for life.

 

so, i congratulate you, if you happen to meet the one in the nick of time, and his/her parents instantly approve your marriage without asking for any requirements or anything. and you two are married in a week or maybe two weeks after, even though you say that it’s a simple wedding or such. from the bottom of my heart, i’m happy for you.

 

but i can not take it if you say that every marriage is the same simple thing as you experienced before. you are more than deserve to say such thing if you have married at least ten times and all of them are as simple as your first.

 

like, i say that Cheetos is good cause i’ve had it since i was little, i’ve had it for dozens of times, so i know for sure that it’s good.

 

all i’m saying is there is no disadvantage coming from your experience. and it’s easy being simple, but being simple is not always easy.

 

-aga-

the beauty


in my opinion, ‘adjective’ is magical. it gives objects lives. it defines abstract shapes into something we can imagine. it is the colours to the eyes, the tones to the ears, the smells to the nose, the flavours to the tongue and the feels to the skin.

 

right until now i still can not understand how originally people define and moreover label a thing as, for example, small or big. how did they come up with the word small in the first place?

 

i realize that i can never find the answer to that one. however, slowly i gather that there is no one without the other. there won’t be small if there’s no big.

 

there won’t be beautiful without ugly.

so basically, Miss Universes should thank to the girls who are less beautiful compared to them. because imagine that all female populations were all equally good looking with good physique, not to mention smart and kindhearted too, i’m pretty sure we wouldn’t find the words ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’ in dictionary. we need comparison.

 

in life, what we really need is not the comparison alone. we need the combination of the comparison. like the movie Inside Out.

Inside Out Emotions Chart

Inside Out Emotions Chart

 

if we’re never sad before, how can we embrace the joy?

 

the purpose of this post initially is about my experience of doing long distance relationship (LDR) which i skeptically stated that it’s really not a big deal.

 

well. i… was kinda wrong.

 

what makes LDR hard is actually about the distance transition. furthermore for those couple who really used to meet and do things together a lot and suddenly, BAM, you can not… yeah, it’s almost like a culture shock. the shock is what makes it hard.

apart from the yearning of wanting the real 3 dimensional body instead of just 2 dimensional Skype or picture or even only voice and soulless text.

 

sometimes when it hits you so bad, it hits you hard and it’s… ugly.

 

but it doesn’t mean that i can not find the beauty of LDR. i get to hang out with friends all the time. i get to stack all of the feeling, the missing, the yearning, the caring, so that the next time we meet, i get to value how priceless the little time we have. i can not value this as much if i weren’t in LDR.

 

see? the combination of the comparison.

 

i’m sorry if this post isn’t one of my best efforts. this is kind of post to unclog the writer’s block. i was about to pour my little getaway but i’ll just write it up for the next post.

 

have a nice day, peeps 😉

 

-aga-

big of a deal


something happened today had me thinking quite long.

 

back then when i was teenager, i used to bother myself with “why friends my age are making big of a deal about boyfriend/girlfriend?”

 

i used to be so irritated whenever they were so clingy and too dependable to their partner. i used to think that romantic relationship wasn’t crucial – at that time.

 

and now i see why.

 

it’s all about what we know and what we don’t know.

 

our knowledge affects our opinion and point of view.

this fact is a thing people tend to ignore in having communication with each other. we so often listen to reply, instead of doing so to understand.

 

in my previous experience, i did admit that i didn’t have that many relationships which perhaps lead me into throwing cynical and skeptical opinions. even worse, i refused to try to apprehend their explanations. this had me going nowhere but selfishness.

 

what happened to me today was nothing near romantic relationship. it’s actually about this ginormous test i’m taking in couple weeks which will determine my competence of being a real dentist; and about a friend leaving to study abroad in early September.

another close friend suggested to meet up right around when my test will be held. i proposed, that if somehow i can’t make it, they can meet first and leave me since that friend won’t have much time either, while i’ll still be able to bid a farewell at the day of the flight.

 

and i’m quite surprised that my proposal didn’t get a good reception.

 

i mean, do you know how important this test is to me? for this time, i can not and i will not split my focus in something i can still do later.

you might as well ask what the test is about and how big of a deal it is for me.

 

that is the next point.

about how big of a deal you put on each of your business.

 

no matter when, some people would still think that having romantic relationship is less substantial than having good seats in the theater.

or graduating is less significant than having as much experience as possible.

or saving up your salary is less crucial that spending them on books and games.

 

it’s about how you make big of a deal of something. and make people to listen and try to reason with why you put it above anything else.

 

-aga-

broccoli


me: hun

him: hm?

me: i almost ate worm.

him: WHAT. what did you eat…

me: soup. broccoli. hahaha

 

***

 

this is by no means is a perfect timing for a blog post but you know me – or not, idc – when i got too much going in my head i went like poof and boom and peeeeeep.

 

i need recycle bin. to throw and process.

 

anyway, yes, i almost ate worm. those tiny worms we often found on broccoli.

did i end up eating the broccoli? yasss. i put aside the worm and ate the whole broccoli.

didn’t i consider that there might be more worms hidden on the broccoli? i did. but whateeevvvv. it’s dead already. and it’s already cooked. as gross as it sounds, i wouldn’t know anyway if i accidentally happened to eat one.

yup

 

anyway talking about broccoli.

you know the appearance of broccoli, right?

is broccoli already in plural form?

if it is, what is broccoli’s singular form?

broccolus?

 

hm.

 

i think too much, don’t i?

 

-aga-

cookie dough ice cream


oh boy do i crave ice cream.

 

but unfortunately i’m having my period and me momsy said that whenever girls have their periods, cold foods and beverages are forbidden. me momsy said something about cold ignites cysts even tumor, but i haven’t really looked it up although that makes sense, so yeah i don’t see the point of ignoring it.

 

anyways, i’m learning to bake various cookie these days. right after i failed/not-failed with the choco chip cookie, i decided not to make anything with palm sugar as ingredients. i don’t know what’s wrong with my taste buds, they can’t seem to accept the taste of palm sugar.

 

like couple weeks ago,  i made this choco-corn flake cookie that turned out quite good. then the next week i moved forward with kaasstengels aka cheese cookie. and i plan to make this pineapple jam cookie called nastar in indonesia, when suddenly…

 

me momsy asked this:

“we still have palm sugar, don’t we?”

 

we sure do, mom. we sure do. i bought one extra palm sugar before that failed/not-failed choco chip cookie. carefully, i answered her,

“yes. why?”

 

she then showed a cheese-corn flake cookie recipe and said,

“i think we should make this for your grandma so that she won’t have to bother to make cookies for Eid al Mubarak.”

 

i let out relieved sigh, that means we don’t have to finish the cookie cause i surely can not.

 

despite the resentment i have for palm sugar, i eventually made the cheese-corn flake cookie with all my heart. i have to say that baking gives this moment of silence, tranquility being alone mixing this and that, shaping and decorating. baking forces you to concentrate on the dough, the oven, the temp and time. baking makes you forget all problems you have aside those batter you’re mixing.

 

not that i have that much problems, but i like it when i don’t need to care about anything else but my cookie. almost like in real life, i wonder why people tend to (pretend) to care too much about other people’s business that is not theirs.

 

i personally am glad that i can enjoy the cookies that i made by myself. not the cookie me momsy made that i helped. because this would be my cookie.

 

don’t you ever feel like annoyed when you’re doing your thing and then people barged in and interfere although in subtle ways, although it doesn’t change anythng…

but still, it’s annoying.

 

i don’t know if it’s only me, haha.

 

so yeah, about that ice cream. i’m actually in the point where it doesn’t really matter what’s the flavour, it’s more about whom i want to eat it with.

i don’t know if it’s about the ice cream or the current situation in Ramadhan, i miss my two girl friends from the community service back then in Bangka three years ago, Charina and mbak Nina. one night, we had blackout when we supposed to go to mosque to have night prayers (Isya’ and Tarawih), but we three chose to pray by ourselves in the hut after the light went back on and spent the blackout time with playing fireworks and took pictures, kekeke. and we gazed into the night sky, mesmerized by the stars, shared stories about a comic Charina read that in China, the pollution was so thick, the night sky was clouded by smoke, and a boy flew kites with lamps they resembled stars.

or the two buckets ice cream we had about a year ago in mbak Nina’s room, we three ate them in less than half an hour, while enjoying each other company.

 

missing

as much as i miss those girls and the ice cream, i can’t stop staring at this old black jacket that right now is on my bed. i remember to share two-scoop ice cream with the owner of the jacket after visiting this museum, then two months later he – yes, it’s a he, now you know – must go forth chasing better future out of town and i can’t tell you how much courage i needed to gather to ask for his jacket hahaha.

one of the best requests i’ve ever made.

 

the thing is, his jacket gives the feeling like he’s always around. while the fact is, he isn’t.

 

this defines what missing is.

missing is feeling like something or someone never left, but is leaving.

 

i realize that a lot define missing as bad thing.

however, to miss means to give time to both parties to build memories. to appreciate little things. to be patient as in timing your oven. and believe it or not, to add flavour. perhaps, to the ice cream that you can not wait to have.

 

-aga-

small gestures


i am an insecure person.

i easily get uncomfortable around weird, unknown, rare environment that makes me spin my brain to find any excuse to leave, no matter how unreasonable it is.

 

the amazing thing is, i also want to make it as natural as possible, as if i actually don’t want to leave.

 

pretty crazy, huh? hahaha

 

i’d rather spend my time alone, with my cell phone or laptop or book and pen, accompanied by a bubble milk tea in one corner. cause in my opinion, if i don’t feel comfortable around people, at least i feel comfortable around myself.

then, slowly, learn to feel comfortable around some people.

 

that’s perhaps why i’m intrigued to small gestures.

 

i can’t specifically describe the example of “small gesture” cause i think everyone has their own specialty.

 

Christian Grey finger tap

a finger tap

for you who have watched the movie, you’ll notice it’s taken from which movie hmhmhm *smirk*

apart from the movie itself, i very much felt the girl’s intimidating feeling coming from the guy, exactly at that finger tap scene. i somehow felt the taps were rhyming with my heart beat. i think it’s genius that they shot that gestures.

as for the guy, he put so much interest on girl’s habit biting her lower lip. it’s a small habit, the girl would never realize it tickles someone’s senses, yet the guy’s does.

 

that’s what i meant by small gestures.

 

you’ll never know that maybe someone’s instinct to fix your collar would surprise the hell out of you.

you won’t notice that the sound of breath would make you feel so close as ever.

or someone’s rather crooked smile would make your butterflies in your tummy fly around.

or a smirk would unravel your emotions.

 

well. i guess, before appreciating big things, we must learn to appreciate small things first, huh? 😉

 

-aga-

home


i really am not the person you should ask when it comes to relationships and whatnot. cause, frankly, what do i know?

 

however, i do realize that when it’s about this kind of thing, one head often isn’t enough to bear it. and it’s the nature of us girls that we basically need to talk about everything. whether it’s just to cheer up our bad day with some laughter and gossip, or to solve problems, or – most of the times – to find acknowledgment of decision we already commit to.

 

by no mean to act as if i’m experienced in this kind of thing, lately i’ve been having this thought swirling around my mind. i’ve been wanting to type these up from long time ago, but i need to be extra cautious cause some are not my own life events.

 

as you might already know, there is a pretty huge difference between the words ‘house’ and ‘home’. according to Cambridge Dictionary, house is used to refer to a building. while home is used to describe a more personal and emotional way to refer to where someone lives which is not always a house, could be apartment or just anywhere we feel comfortable and safe.

 

i actually wrote a post about home back then. a bit random , tho, lol.

 

 

in my mind, for the past few years, i guess. i’ve always thought that i’d be living in an apartment. pretty much got influenced by those serials on cable and the novels which the characters mostly lived in an apartment.

like Friends. see how much fun i picture it, living in an apartment? it’s simple.

 

i realize there are some downsides of living in an apartment. but i really can’t find if any of them is a deal breaker of not living in an apartment.

 

although, it’s pretty cool to have a really big house complete with ranch, barn, horses to ride, and also pool. kind of like country houses.

 

nevertheless, what’s really the point of having not only house but also home? why is it some kind of racism to differ house from home?

 

in my opinion, it’s because at some point we all want to go away, as far as we can be, from the place we came from, but eventually we are having one same desire to come home.

 

and what makes a house become home, again, in my opinion, is the people who live in it. people you can call as ‘family’.

 

i never quite get the feeling of coming home. i often question why my friends who lives out of town get so excited when we have some days off and they rush to find any way to go home. in my mind, it’s too exhausting cause they will spend most times on the trip. however there was one time when i still lived apart from my mum. at that time i was very sick. not the kind of that i had to be admitted to hospital or anything, but enough to make me want to be near my mum. i forced myself to go through an-eight-hour road trip, and amazingly enough, i got better very quickly just by sleeping in my mum’s bed and eating her dish.

 

so i conclude that it really is about the people, about the family, that makes a house become home.

 

when we are young, the only family we have is our nuclear family. whether you are aware or not, sooner or later there will be another families in our lives. friends from the boarding house. some closest friends in college. and pretty soon enough, your own family. then your significant other’s family. and they keep adding up. some stay as family. some change into… not anymore.

 

as i make this personal, i think a home is fundamental because at the end of the day, you want to be sure you have somewhere to crash in, something to fill your tummy, and someone to accompany your night with.

 

i’ve always imagined, if a family has established their existence by having home, there will never be anything wrong going on with them. i mean, what else do you need? by having any place you can call home, you have place to live. you have wife or husband to comfort you.

 

i guess for a person who calls others naive even moron for many times, i am more naive than that.

 

the fact is, people fight. they separate. eventually they get divorced.

 

apparently, the presence and existence of a ‘home’ is not always enough to keep family together, to maintain the only thing, that i can think of, that makes house become home.

 

so really the focus is about building the family itself.

 

one downside i recently found from being too involved in the world of science is that everything has to have explanation. even in falling  in love, gosh you know what they say about it, about the hormones and everything. BBC Science wrote it here. you can find every explanation on Google nowadays, right?

 

what i couldn’t Google up is “who is my significant other“, “when will i find my significant other“, “when will i get married“.

 

yeah i know there’s this application on Facebook which tells you when you’ll get married, but come on, you know that’s just some joke. you will never really know.

 

what i learn is that, family is not about chemistry. it’s more about the hard work to understand, tolerate and accept. as much cynical as that sounds, it’s true.

 

nobody is perfect. that is one.

people don’t change. that is two.

 

sadly enough, our imperfection, things what we can not change, are sum up of what we receive from our environment since we were kids. that means: since we were in our nuclear family.

 

with all of that imperfections, it’s quite amazing to know that God have assigned us one (true) significant other. and the journey to find that one… begins.

 

honestly, i don’t know much. i haven’t had my own family. yet. soon, i hope. uhm, but, since this kind of thing can’t be explained by theorem or proved by formula, i think you’re gonna need much of your sense. you’re gonna try to trust your feeling. you’re gonna learn by doing.

 

it might not stick on the first try, i know i didn’t. not everything is fairytale.

 

but i hope you’ll know when it’s the time. when it’s the moment. to let other in, to let you out. to give and get. to fill and be filled. to reciprocate. to come home.

 

guess not only tango which needs two, huh?

 

-aga-

please don’t say~


lately i’ve been so obsessed with Gabrielle Aplin’s Please Don’t Say You Love Me. not being cocky or don’t want to be loved, but personally, i’m sort of afraid to say ‘it’.

 

 

i’m not a professional lover. i’m just a heartless unstable emotional girl with her problems and whatnot. just from the first adjective that describes me (=heartless), you can refer how afraid i am to say ‘it’.

 

am i not able to feel? i am. with every atom of fears spilled all over.

am i that frightened? yes. yes, i am. i am that frightened to basically face the world. i am that frightened that i might (have) disappoint way too many people. i am that frightened to verbally confess that i am frightened.

don’t i want to have someone saying ‘it’? more than anything.

 

but ‘it’ gives this kind of pressure.

an obligation to say it back.

otherwise you’ll be considered you don’t feel the same way.

 

just please don’t say you love me, cause i might not say it back

doesn’t mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that

 

so yes. i can relate to Gabrielle Aplin’s song.

 

-aga-