Tag Archive: new year

i just killed someone

how about that to start a new year, huh?!

evidence. don't tell the police.

evidence. don’t tell the police.

in fact, i just mutilated and stashed the corpse in the dump.

and i still got one victim to go.


okay,Β  in all seriousness, i did mutilate and stash a corpse…

of a red dragon fruit.


and i still got one in the refrigerator for tomorrow.


okay sorry for the joke, because it’s not like i have ever imagined to kill someone just myself, but i couldn’t helpΒ my imagination when my hands were covered in red-purple-ish color. probably a minor side effect of the trauma from knowing that Mary Watson nee Morstan… you know what happened to her in The Six Thatchers, Sherlock season 4 episode 1 that just released on the 1st January. i’m not putting spoiler here, but i’m dying to ramble about this >o<


how’s it going on, guys?

i’ve been MIA for quite some time, and during the time, i had another mental breakdown like once i’d had before, hence the recklessness of wanting to kill myself. looking back, i guess the desperation came from the lack of social interaction i made with people my age.

see, in my class now, it only consists of 9 people with average age of 32 year-old. that means, i’m 7 years away from them. 7 years less of experience, yet 7 years more contemporary. 7 years difference is comparison between 1st grader of elementary school and 2nd grader of junior high school. when the 1st grader of elementary school is crazy about Teletubbies, the 2nd grader of junior high is into Justin Bieber.

so i think if there is anyone who knows quite much about tolerance and diversity, i might just fit.

there’s really not much i can talk about with them since we fall into our own worlds. the only thing we have in common is about our class, unfortunately, much don’t give a crap because of our difference priorities.

to them, their number one priorities might be their children. so, to ask them to participate in group assignment is sometimes even harder than the assignment itself.

meanwhile, i’m still adjusting living in new town, new environment. i’m still experiencing the “5 stages of grief” of moving out.

Denial — i went through this stage by assuring myself that i would have lots of round-trip from Surabaya to Yogyakarta. i actually imagined that i’d be going home for every 2 weeks or so. in fact, once a month is miracle.

Anger — oh i had pretty bad anger stage. i was furious being left out from the information and current events that happened in Yogyakarta that my friends didn’t tell me. the question of “why won’t they understand?”; and “how hard is it to forward info like that?”; also thoughts like “i think we’re best friends” occurred over and over and turned into some anger, angst, sadness.

Bargaining — the moment i realize that distance changes everything, i learn to try to replace some things, discover new habits, and tolerate the way it is instead of still comparing to the old ones. study place, favourite bubble tea, when to wash and iron clothes, and so on. one thing i have to hardly accept is the possibility of the absence of best friends figure that i don’ think i can replace.

Depression — when the bargaining isn’t equal with the outcome, unfortunately we have to fall into depression pit. and believe me – as the person who falls repeatedly – it really depends on ourselves whether we’re willing to back up again, or not. one thing that probably saves me again and again is because i know that depression is just a phase and it will eventually pass, so all i have to do is hold on and keep moving forward.

Acceptance — to make it easy, acceptance is when Jennifer Lawrence declined Chris Pratt’s offer to be hibernated back into the autodoc machine and decided to spend the rest of her lives in the journey to the new planet she’d never step on. it might not be perfect, but it’s your choice to be happy or not. so am i happy? i accept to be.

i notice that i talk about depression probably a bit too much than i should, it’s just because i realize that depression is a real thing, and each person’s coping mechanism is different. if you happen to go through depression, i just hope my experience can help in some way, before you actually go to psychiatrist and get medications. cause believe me, i did consider to go to psychiatrist for the last one, but the idea itself just freaked me out in advance.

well. anyways. it’s new year, you guys!

i can’t say that i’m thrilled entering the new year, because i’ve already received bill after bill i have to pay, not to mention the 2nd semester tuition fee, and the final exam’s not finished yet… so yeah, it seems just like another month with more expense. hahaha

before i close this post, please kindly check my origami creation on https://www.instagram.com/sweetsweetsurprise/


i must say, folding papers give me some peace of minds πŸ˜‰

peace out, people! see you in the next post πŸ™‚




hello guys. as mainstream as it is true, let me greet you with a ‘happy new year’. i spent my NYE basically by ignoring the flashiness of the overly exaggerated holiday just because we’re changing our calendar. i slept in the middle of the commotion of the fireworks and woke up at January the 1st like i wake up on any other days.


gosh, new year and i’m already being sarcastic? sorry, it’s kinda my thing.


like when people went obsessed with Justin Bieber when he was just a YouTube sensation, i rolled my eyes and disliked him out of no reasons at all. i just… don’t like him, you know.


although, i found this quote somewhere that goes like:

“if you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. what isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”

which later i knew that it was taken from a book written by Hermann Hesse – from the name you’ll get a clue that he was Germany, and i also knew i would probably never actually read one of his books.


so it hits me. what’s part of Bieber that’s also part of me which makes me hate him so much?


for years of my hatred upon him, i just recently found out what’s our so-called similarity.


on my way home from the clinic duty, i was listening to the radio while driving and it magically was about Bieber’s new album, Purpose. i was extremely tired, i didn’t even have enough strength to change the radio station, i was focused on getting home only. somehow my hearing organs were still in sync with my brain, so i unconsciously paid attention to the interview.


in short, for the past years before Purpose, Bieber had been lost, and this album is his come back way that he finally has found his again.


i blinked my eyes. O-M-aca-G. both of us are purposeless. well, now it is just one of us.


and it is the foundation of my lifelong hatred.


we were two unknown-of-each-other’s-presence-in-this-world human beings who are purposeless, and i hate him more because he has found his and i haven’t.


ever since the graduation, i’ve been trying to palpate my future. and FYI, by my future means it’s not determined by me, even if in the end the title is my future.


i feel lost.


i live but i’m not alive.


i’m awake to wait.


i stand just to be equal to the standing people around me.


i gasp for air which i can easily inhale.


i’m capable of what’s permissible.


i’m breaking the radius, not the circumference.


honest to good, i’ve never been so purposeless like this before. the boundaries are keeping me inside too tight.


who am i? i’m this green finch, linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird.


you might expect that i’ll write my purpose as the closing of the post. unfortunately, i’m not gonna.


i can not. yet.


Justin Bieber needs years to find that. i hope i won’t spend that long to grasp mine. in the meantime, i’ll live for the sake of my happiness.