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politics


the first thing appears in my mind when i read or hear the word ‘politics’ is hatred. i hate politics. i selfishly hate it, i don’t even really understand what politics truly is.

 

back then when i was in high school, a civic teacher asked the whole class this question.

what do you think of politics?

 

a friend raised his hand, and he said, “politics is dirty“.

 

i don’t know why this memory forged in my head, but from that moment on, i’ve always despised anything close to politics. i don’t have a clue the point of wars. i can’t forecast what probably would happen next. and the only strategy i know is how to crush 5 candies at the same time on Candy Crush. politics is confusing.

 

so, to get to know how hard politics actually is, i need to probe from the bottom. the definition of politics.

 

according to Wikipedia, politics is the practice and theory of influencing other people.

if you wish to know more about it, please read the rest yourself cause i have zero intention lol.

 

right after i get the definition, i instantly remember Game of Thrones.

 

The Lannisters had to do literally everything to maintain their reputation as the most respectful family in Westeros. because if they kept being respected, they could get everything they wanted. luxurious life in King’s Landing. sanctuary cause they always pay the debts, and so on.  and how did they do that? by meddling in all Kingdom parts. Cersei made sure Joffrey became a King after Robert passed away, by tricking Sansa so that Sansa’s father, Ned Stark, would confess treason and was beheaded. it’s long and windy road to achieve what Cersei wanted, but yes, she did it by influencing many people.

what Cersei did was politics.

 

there are two kinds of influence. the good and the bad. sadly enough, most people use the latter one. provocations, false reports, broken promises, bribes, personal benefits. these are the things which make politics dirty. in fact, we wouldn’t call it politics if the politicians do the good influence, because there’s no such things.

 

i kinda swear to myself to avoid all kinds of politics. the truth is, i can’t.

 

i just experienced an office politics where i consider myself as the scapegoat. i was unconsciously put in a situation to be a shield from one party to another, so that the other party would blame me instead of the party who sent me. needless to say, it sucks.

 

what sucks more was something else had happened behind this scheme, including a sacrifice of someone qualified to thrive in this office, for a contrived, nonsense regulations.

 

it’s breaking my heart. it’s also breaking every last respects i have to those who had made up the regulations. it’s really unfair.

 

it’s one thing when you fail because of your own mistake, but it’s other thing to be purposely failed by other people.

 

i guess, there’s no word fair  in politics’ dictionary. and there’s no use too to avoid politics cause deny it as hard as you can, you’ll always face politics everywhere. it’s just blurry or somehow covered you don’t see it instantly. but it’s out there.

 

-aga-

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expectation


i don’t know about you…

but i’m feeling twenty-two~~~o-ooooh~~~

 

nawh, i was joking.

 

i don’t know about you, but  somehow i have trouble in expectation. moreover, when i’m being expected.

 

see as first born, i had already been being expected to achieve  many things as a predecessor, or, a path opener for the next child (children), aka my sibling(s). not being rude or ungrateful, but i find it that my parents set up quite immense goals for me. unconsciously, i happened to reach them before i finally realize this.

 

i might have slightly disappointed them in certain ways.

 

all i could recall, i was in a fairly good schools, with a fairly good grades, fairly pleasant extracurricular, got accepted in a fairly reputable uni, and graduated with fairly cum laude-y title. yet, i still sense i lack in so many things. i still feel that they expect me to grab more. and more. and more.

 

so they’re not kidding when they say that human’s desire is infinite.

 

to put it simpler, it is as if no matter how excellent i did, it’s still not outstanding enough.

 

 

it rather sucks to expect you’d get birthday present, at your birthday, but you don’t.

it sucks twice more to be the one who is expected to give the present, but you can’t.

 

it’s been awhile since i struggled to engraft this thought in my mind that “we can not fulfill people’s expectations“. that’s why it’s always better to live in our own happiness term.

 

it turns out to be shuck hard.

 

being indifferent is hard.

cause who can stop billions of mouths out there to speak, another billions of minds to think, ten billions of fingers to type, also two billions of eyes to watch, and don’t forget the two billions of ears to listen?

 

from all that much, how many you can actually block to stop influencing your thoughts? i know Kelly Clarkson sings “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger~“. but even diamond has it’s breaking point. imagine how fragile human’s breaking point.

and sometimes the ones you see as the strongest person, only puts tremendously amount of act at being strong. you’ll never know.

 

i can say things like this because i know from heart how hurtful it is to be expected but i can not gain it.

how people see you not as how you are, and expect you to be a person they think you are.

how you wish you could grant all of those expectations, but you know that it’s impossible.

 

if you are a Dashner Army, you’ll get this feeling as if you’re Thomas. he was expected to find a cure for the Flare. he was expected to save Newt. but he failed. big time.

 

expectation kills, they say.

they couldn’t be more right.

 

-aga-

open your mouth


not many people realize this, but i consider being a dentist is really an ‘honor’. in various interpretations.

 

before going any further, go check your own mouth and teeth. are they good? are there any cavities? are there any calculus?

 

not the mathematics calculus. the dental calculus, which is a hardened plaque and food debris due to imprecision teeth cleansing.

 

for those who really don’t brush their teeth well, their calculus tend to build up ridiculously thick. my friends and i used to call it “Chinese Great Wall” or “wasp nest” just because the calculus is altering teeth original shape. tooth is sexy, it has curve and smooth, you know. it’s not bulging and rough or flat and plain and connected. no. a disgusting heavy calculus can wrap around a tooth as if it’s being in a yellowish shell and it’s also able to connect one tooth with another. i think i made my point how gross it is, yes?

 

the thing is, some people who realize how unattractive their mouth is, most likely are ashamed to get them fixed because they already knew that what they have beyond their lipglossed lips are chaos.

 

this brings back to my very first statement: “being a dentist is really an ‘honor'”.

 

i appreciate those patients with crowded teeth, scary cavities, and bleeding gum who come voluntarily to the dental clinic and proceed on their own through the door and sit on the dental chair calmly. and when they do as i say “open your mouth, please”, i know i’ve got their trust.

 

see this bond is often stronger than the one with general physicians. most of the times, general physicians don’t have to physically touch the patients. but dentists, they not only touch, but also do whatever like pull out your cheek and lips, drill a hole to your tooth, apply thingamajiggy in blue color, sometimes hold your head still while pulling your rotten tooth out…

 

it’s that intimate that almost like a date that directly jump to first base without holding hand before. although in reality i don’t think it’s possible because to enter first base, you need to feel the physical connection first.

 

so, that’s the reason why i think it’s an honor, personally, when a patient shows up for numerous time to do another treatment with me. like, ‘thank you, Ma’am, for trusting me to fill your cavity and now you let me crush all of your calculus”.

 

yup. it’s another honor to wrestle with your oral muck cause nobody else would want to touch your saliva mixed with blood and food impaction.

yay.

 

-aga-


pheewww thank goodness that it’s october. that means we’ve past august and september alreadeeeeh.

in august, i had this ginormous carnival of examination. from comprehensive exam to competency exam which drained all of my focus, energy, money and so on. i can’t tell you how simultaneously relieved and restless i was soon after the exams were over – it was august 22nd. i was glad i could have my sleeping time back again but i was terrified about the result cause i messed up in some sections.

there were no use in worrying too much. so when my brother invited me to have a roadtrip to semarang in august 29th, i accepted it without much consideration. like, in fact, i don’t really know the route to get to semarang, let alone from yogyakarta, we had to make a detour since our mom needed to be driven to our grannie’s home first in ngadirejo. even though we sounded really confident, the truth was all we relied on was GoogleMaps on my phone – cause my brother didn’t have it.

it was kinda crazy how we obediently followed GoogleMaps directions. however, we eventually did manage to arrive to semarang safely. our first stop was this fresh milk factory called Cimory in ungaran – not yet semarang. we had our brunch – lunch kinda meal and bought some chocolate and yoghurt. we didn’t buy any fresh milks cause apparently Cimory demand us to refrigerate them maximum in 5 hours after being un-refrigerated. unfortunately, we still had many plans in semarang so we couldn’t put the milk in the cooling box in 5 hours – it’s 2 hours drive itself from semarang to ngadirejo; and Cimory also didn’t provide any dry ice container. so, yeah, we had to be pleased with only the yoghurts.

next stop was soto bangkong as our lunch. it was satisfyingly good. then we had our prayers in Great Mosque of Central Java. it was huuuggeee although we didn’t quite enjoy it because it was extremely hot and the mosque had no many shades.

the shades were somehow not opened eventhough it was really hot -_-

the shades were somehow not opened eventhough it was really hot -_-

Great Mosque of Central Java - it's that hot ><

Great Mosque of Central Java – it’s that hot ><

my brother and i couldn’t stand the weather so we decided to go to the next destination: Lawang Sewu (Thousand Doors)

Lawang Sewu used to be a building for Dutch’s railway company, but now it’s a museum owned by PT Kereta Api Indonesia (The Indonesian Railways Company). why it’s so famous is actually not because of the historical value of the railways through the age – i’m sorry :’ – but because of it’s really haunted.

yep. haunted.

the guide told us some ghost story, like, in the ballroom, when the night comes, the workers from another building can sometimes see that there were ‘people‘ dancing as if there were a party. and these so called ‘people‘ are Dutch, not Indonesian.

and their dungeon is terribly dark and scary however at that moment it wasn’t available to be explored cause it’s under renovation. it’s dungeon had been proven to be haunted. you know the kind of show which dares people to stay in an assumed haunted place for some time in the middle of the night? well, people never lasted more than 5 minutes in Lawang Sewu’s dungeon. and so much pictures with whitey floatey thingy — omg i myself shudder while writing this part.

thankfully, we went there when it was still bright outside so it wasn’t that scary.

IDR 10.000 per person, already including a tour guide.

IDR 10.000 per person, already including a tour guide.

Lawang Sewu old building

Lawang Sewu old building

Mozaic glass of the old building

Mozaic glass of the old building

Lawang Sewu was actually quite gorgeous when it was dusk

Lawang Sewu was actually quite gorgeous when it was dusk

after visiting Lawang Sewu, we made one last stop to get snack. we went to Lekker Paimo which was insanely crowded! but it was worth it cause the lekker was tasty. lekker itself is somekind of traditional crepe, yup.

it was a pleasant quick getaway while waiting for the exam result. long story short, in september 14th, around 19.30 PM, i was announced PASS the exam, yeaaayyy 😀

next step was appointment ceremony in september 29th 🙂

it was pretty moving moment when we recited the Hippocrates Oath. and i was glad that my parents also looked quite proud hahaha :’ and my man – cough – thankfully made it to attend this ceremony too :*

with fellas dentist, yeay!

with fellas dentist, yeay!

all in all, these months were rollercoaster ride. and i realize that this life is just an enormous theme park. once i’ve gotten out the rollercoaster, there is another ride waiting to be ridden on 😉

-aga-

passive aggressive


i’m making myself suffered right now cause i’m trying to talk about passive aggressive when my keyboard’s g, h, and ‘ are so hard to press. i’ll take the challenge anyways.

 

without too much babbling, i just realize that we learn to be passive aggressive in a much cuter name called “frenemy”. friend-enemy.

 

you know, the kind of people you actually dislike but you still gotta act nice in front of them to avoid much more complications in the future.

 

what’s label more fit than passive aggressive?

 

unintentionally, i do passive aggressive, like all the time. if you’re not sure that you do it or not, you can check this site out. one time i did this, a friend who apparently fed up with my whole passive aggressive scheme, said “just say what you really feel already! most of the times, being passive aggressive is just a way of you being sarcastic and that’s all. you wouldn’t even give a clue what the other person should do”.

 

i guess, female tend to do more passive aggressive than male – just because we usually turn everything into drama. however male have their excuse for being passive aggressive – again, it’s my guess – because of their ego.

 

like when a male coworker is asked to do something and he accepts it but eventually he doesn’t do it because of many excuses… yo, man, just say that you can not handle it. we wouldn’t look you down because of that. we would, in fact, look you down if you fail to fulfill the duty because of nonsense excuses.

 

i’m ending the post here. i think i already do passive aggressive by writing this. lol

 

-aga-

the beauty


in my opinion, ‘adjective’ is magical. it gives objects lives. it defines abstract shapes into something we can imagine. it is the colours to the eyes, the tones to the ears, the smells to the nose, the flavours to the tongue and the feels to the skin.

 

right until now i still can not understand how originally people define and moreover label a thing as, for example, small or big. how did they come up with the word small in the first place?

 

i realize that i can never find the answer to that one. however, slowly i gather that there is no one without the other. there won’t be small if there’s no big.

 

there won’t be beautiful without ugly.

so basically, Miss Universes should thank to the girls who are less beautiful compared to them. because imagine that all female populations were all equally good looking with good physique, not to mention smart and kindhearted too, i’m pretty sure we wouldn’t find the words ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’ in dictionary. we need comparison.

 

in life, what we really need is not the comparison alone. we need the combination of the comparison. like the movie Inside Out.

Inside Out Emotions Chart

Inside Out Emotions Chart

 

if we’re never sad before, how can we embrace the joy?

 

the purpose of this post initially is about my experience of doing long distance relationship (LDR) which i skeptically stated that it’s really not a big deal.

 

well. i… was kinda wrong.

 

what makes LDR hard is actually about the distance transition. furthermore for those couple who really used to meet and do things together a lot and suddenly, BAM, you can not… yeah, it’s almost like a culture shock. the shock is what makes it hard.

apart from the yearning of wanting the real 3 dimensional body instead of just 2 dimensional Skype or picture or even only voice and soulless text.

 

sometimes when it hits you so bad, it hits you hard and it’s… ugly.

 

but it doesn’t mean that i can not find the beauty of LDR. i get to hang out with friends all the time. i get to stack all of the feeling, the missing, the yearning, the caring, so that the next time we meet, i get to value how priceless the little time we have. i can not value this as much if i weren’t in LDR.

 

see? the combination of the comparison.

 

i’m sorry if this post isn’t one of my best efforts. this is kind of post to unclog the writer’s block. i was about to pour my little getaway but i’ll just write it up for the next post.

 

have a nice day, peeps 😉

 

-aga-

big of a deal


something happened today had me thinking quite long.

 

back then when i was teenager, i used to bother myself with “why friends my age are making big of a deal about boyfriend/girlfriend?”

 

i used to be so irritated whenever they were so clingy and too dependable to their partner. i used to think that romantic relationship wasn’t crucial – at that time.

 

and now i see why.

 

it’s all about what we know and what we don’t know.

 

our knowledge affects our opinion and point of view.

this fact is a thing people tend to ignore in having communication with each other. we so often listen to reply, instead of doing so to understand.

 

in my previous experience, i did admit that i didn’t have that many relationships which perhaps lead me into throwing cynical and skeptical opinions. even worse, i refused to try to apprehend their explanations. this had me going nowhere but selfishness.

 

what happened to me today was nothing near romantic relationship. it’s actually about this ginormous test i’m taking in couple weeks which will determine my competence of being a real dentist; and about a friend leaving to study abroad in early September.

another close friend suggested to meet up right around when my test will be held. i proposed, that if somehow i can’t make it, they can meet first and leave me since that friend won’t have much time either, while i’ll still be able to bid a farewell at the day of the flight.

 

and i’m quite surprised that my proposal didn’t get a good reception.

 

i mean, do you know how important this test is to me? for this time, i can not and i will not split my focus in something i can still do later.

you might as well ask what the test is about and how big of a deal it is for me.

 

that is the next point.

about how big of a deal you put on each of your business.

 

no matter when, some people would still think that having romantic relationship is less substantial than having good seats in the theater.

or graduating is less significant than having as much experience as possible.

or saving up your salary is less crucial that spending them on books and games.

 

it’s about how you make big of a deal of something. and make people to listen and try to reason with why you put it above anything else.

 

-aga-

broccoli


me: hun

him: hm?

me: i almost ate worm.

him: WHAT. what did you eat…

me: soup. broccoli. hahaha

 

***

 

this is by no means is a perfect timing for a blog post but you know me – or not, idc – when i got too much going in my head i went like poof and boom and peeeeeep.

 

i need recycle bin. to throw and process.

 

anyway, yes, i almost ate worm. those tiny worms we often found on broccoli.

did i end up eating the broccoli? yasss. i put aside the worm and ate the whole broccoli.

didn’t i consider that there might be more worms hidden on the broccoli? i did. but whateeevvvv. it’s dead already. and it’s already cooked. as gross as it sounds, i wouldn’t know anyway if i accidentally happened to eat one.

yup

 

anyway talking about broccoli.

you know the appearance of broccoli, right?

is broccoli already in plural form?

if it is, what is broccoli’s singular form?

broccolus?

 

hm.

 

i think too much, don’t i?

 

-aga-

cookie dough ice cream


oh boy do i crave ice cream.

 

but unfortunately i’m having my period and me momsy said that whenever girls have their periods, cold foods and beverages are forbidden. me momsy said something about cold ignites cysts even tumor, but i haven’t really looked it up although that makes sense, so yeah i don’t see the point of ignoring it.

 

anyways, i’m learning to bake various cookie these days. right after i failed/not-failed with the choco chip cookie, i decided not to make anything with palm sugar as ingredients. i don’t know what’s wrong with my taste buds, they can’t seem to accept the taste of palm sugar.

 

like couple weeks ago,  i made this choco-corn flake cookie that turned out quite good. then the next week i moved forward with kaasstengels aka cheese cookie. and i plan to make this pineapple jam cookie called nastar in indonesia, when suddenly…

 

me momsy asked this:

“we still have palm sugar, don’t we?”

 

we sure do, mom. we sure do. i bought one extra palm sugar before that failed/not-failed choco chip cookie. carefully, i answered her,

“yes. why?”

 

she then showed a cheese-corn flake cookie recipe and said,

“i think we should make this for your grandma so that she won’t have to bother to make cookies for Eid al Mubarak.”

 

i let out relieved sigh, that means we don’t have to finish the cookie cause i surely can not.

 

despite the resentment i have for palm sugar, i eventually made the cheese-corn flake cookie with all my heart. i have to say that baking gives this moment of silence, tranquility being alone mixing this and that, shaping and decorating. baking forces you to concentrate on the dough, the oven, the temp and time. baking makes you forget all problems you have aside those batter you’re mixing.

 

not that i have that much problems, but i like it when i don’t need to care about anything else but my cookie. almost like in real life, i wonder why people tend to (pretend) to care too much about other people’s business that is not theirs.

 

i personally am glad that i can enjoy the cookies that i made by myself. not the cookie me momsy made that i helped. because this would be my cookie.

 

don’t you ever feel like annoyed when you’re doing your thing and then people barged in and interfere although in subtle ways, although it doesn’t change anythng…

but still, it’s annoying.

 

i don’t know if it’s only me, haha.

 

so yeah, about that ice cream. i’m actually in the point where it doesn’t really matter what’s the flavour, it’s more about whom i want to eat it with.

i don’t know if it’s about the ice cream or the current situation in Ramadhan, i miss my two girl friends from the community service back then in Bangka three years ago, Charina and mbak Nina. one night, we had blackout when we supposed to go to mosque to have night prayers (Isya’ and Tarawih), but we three chose to pray by ourselves in the hut after the light went back on and spent the blackout time with playing fireworks and took pictures, kekeke. and we gazed into the night sky, mesmerized by the stars, shared stories about a comic Charina read that in China, the pollution was so thick, the night sky was clouded by smoke, and a boy flew kites with lamps they resembled stars.

or the two buckets ice cream we had about a year ago in mbak Nina’s room, we three ate them in less than half an hour, while enjoying each other company.

 

missing

as much as i miss those girls and the ice cream, i can’t stop staring at this old black jacket that right now is on my bed. i remember to share two-scoop ice cream with the owner of the jacket after visiting this museum, then two months later he – yes, it’s a he, now you know – must go forth chasing better future out of town and i can’t tell you how much courage i needed to gather to ask for his jacket hahaha.

one of the best requests i’ve ever made.

 

the thing is, his jacket gives the feeling like he’s always around. while the fact is, he isn’t.

 

this defines what missing is.

missing is feeling like something or someone never left, but is leaving.

 

i realize that a lot define missing as bad thing.

however, to miss means to give time to both parties to build memories. to appreciate little things. to be patient as in timing your oven. and believe it or not, to add flavour. perhaps, to the ice cream that you can not wait to have.

 

-aga-

inferiority


few months ago as part of my co-assistant training, we were required to visit a teaching hospital which thankfully only 5 minutes away from my Dentistry campus. we learned the medical record system, forensic dentistry, geriatric/internal medicine and oral surgery. this stage took about only a month, but i have to say that that one month was unforgettable.

 

after i’ve done my under-grad, i see this pattern on the students in my campus.

1st years are young, weird and completely nerd looking kind of students with a hint of confusion and rule-obey-er.

2nd years realize that they’re no longer high school students. they started to behave as if they’re grown-ups and dare themselves to take more part in campus activities.

3rd years circulate awfully lot in campus. this is the time when they feel like they own campus. 3rd years tend to act arrogant and rather conceited, as if no one knows their campus better than themselves.

and 4th years are bunch of confused students questioning their final assignments aka thesis, and their fear of entering the co-assistant stage. they started to realize that they are nothing in the campus, that there are so much variables affecting their future that they can not predict, let alone control.

the 1st year co-assistants are full of spirit to finish the requirements. with mostly focus on getting it done.

aaand the 2nd year co-assistants are people with blurry and surreal thoughts about how to finish the requirements with draining spirit, and what they’re going to do soon after being vowed as a dentist.

 

i’m in the last group. which means i have been through all stages hereby i’m allowed to say that…

it’s so easy to feel inferior in this environment.

 

back to my experience during that one month visit in that teaching hospital.

 

i was dumbfounded and i did feel dumb the second i entered the oral surgery department. the resident physicians are brilliant, and i think brilliant is not enough to describe their awesomeness. they are that awesome. whenever i talked to them, i felt like we were on different planets where theirs are filled with creatures that’s 100 times more advance than mine.

i felt like “the heck have i studied for the past 4 years? i can’t remember any.” in return to those feelings, it seemed like i ended up studying much more in those 1 month than in my past 4 years. it’s insane.

 

one day, when i was doing some research in library for my oral surgery report, i met one of the resident, a female one. as i recalled, among those super-awesome residents, she is one of the not-so-awesome ones. however, i greeted her, she greeted back. then we exchanged names, also phone numbers. we talked for some time, quietly, since it’s in library.

she said that she’s trying to finish her study to get the oral surgery specialist title. she asked about my progress. and so on.

 

aaand just today, i met her when she was heading to the prayer’s room. i called her, thankfully she still remembered me.

i told her that i’ve passed oral surgery exam, and i asked about her study. the answer she gave me was not much changed from back then when i was in the teaching hospital. we didn’t talk too long cause i needed to go, but this thought keeps swirling in my head.

 

i remember i told her “i don’t know if i can graduate this August.” and she replied with “the point is just finish off your work. if God allows you to graduate this August, God will give way. i think you know better, you seem more pious than me hahaha

 

well, first of all, i’m nowhere near pious.

second, regardless all i ever babbled, it is okay being a bit behind than my other friends, but i can not help feeling inferior because of this.

 

and as i said before, it is so easy to feel inferior in my environment.

here in my campus, everything is measured. everything is compared.

are you from wealthy family.

are you from dentists family.

are there any family working as lecturers in campus.

are you good-looking.

are you friendly.

are you popular.

are you smart.

are you skilled.

are you ambitious.

are you graduating soon.

hahahahaha

 

wow. come to this point it seems like a hard life i’m living, furthermore if you are none of the above.

 

talking about inferiority, it’s about how to overcome it instead of finding something or someone to blame.

 

first thing first: STOP COMPARING.

compare yourself only to yourself because everyone is special. i know that comparing is inevitable, because ever since we’re little, all people do is compare. we compare our rank in class. we compare whose drawing is better. because we want to prove to someone else that you are better.

now, prove to only yourself that you can be better because you want to. unconsciously, you’ll stop comparing yourself to other people and you can improve yourself.

 

once the inferiority itself is gone, all that’s left is opportunity to keep growing.

 

i know all that is just me talk the talk.

i’m going to walk the walk, immediately.

 

yeeeeaaaa

 

-aga-