hello guys. as mainstream as it is true, let me greet you with a ‘happy new year’. i spent my NYE basically by ignoring the flashiness of the overly exaggerated holiday just because we’re changing our calendar. i slept in the middle of the commotion of the fireworks and woke up at January the 1st like i wake up on any other days.

 

gosh, new year and i’m already being sarcastic? sorry, it’s kinda my thing.

 

like when people went obsessed with Justin Bieber when he was just a YouTube sensation, i rolled my eyes and disliked him out of no reasons at all. i just… don’t like him, you know.

 

although, i found this quote somewhere that goes like:

“if you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. what isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”

which later i knew that it was taken from a book written by Hermann Hesse – from the name you’ll get a clue that he was Germany, and i also knew i would probably never actually read one of his books.

 

so it hits me. what’s part of Bieber that’s also part of me which makes me hate him so much?

 

for years of my hatred upon him, i just recently found out what’s our so-called similarity.

 

on my way home from the clinic duty, i was listening to the radio while driving and it magically was about Bieber’s new album, Purpose. i was extremely tired, i didn’t even have enough strength to change the radio station, i was focused on getting home only. somehow my hearing organs were still in sync with my brain, so i unconsciously paid attention to the interview.

 

in short, for the past years before Purpose, Bieber had been lost, and this album is his come back way that he finally has found his again.

 

i blinked my eyes. O-M-aca-G. both of us are purposeless. well, now it is just one of us.

 

and it is the foundation of my lifelong hatred.

 

we were two unknown-of-each-other’s-presence-in-this-world human beings who are purposeless, and i hate him more because he has found his and i haven’t.

 

ever since the graduation, i’ve been trying to palpate my future. and FYI, by my future means it’s not determined by me, even if in the end the title is my future.

 

i feel lost.

 

i live but i’m not alive.

 

i’m awake to wait.

 

i stand just to be equal to the standing people around me.

 

i gasp for air which i can easily inhale.

 

i’m capable of what’s permissible.

 

i’m breaking the radius, not the circumference.

 

honest to good, i’ve never been so purposeless like this before. the boundaries are keeping me inside too tight.

 

who am i? i’m this green finch, linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird.

 

you might expect that i’ll write my purpose as the closing of the post. unfortunately, i’m not gonna.

 

i can not. yet.

 

Justin Bieber needs years to find that. i hope i won’t spend that long to grasp mine. in the meantime, i’ll live for the sake of my happiness.

 

-aga-

Advertisements