WARNING: this post contains girls thing. if you are boys and willing to continue to read, do it at your risk.


it’s about self esteem.

i recall back then when i was in middle school, junior high to be exact, i constantly asked myself:

am i pretty?


since i realized that the answer is no (or not really, hahahaha), then i changed the question into:

am i attractive? how to be attractive?


there was a particular reason why it seemed that my self esteem was so low. middle school is the starting point of us youngsters to explore the meaning of love~ the beginning of trial and error of finding the one~ the experiment to impress the opposite sex~ to be in a real-life drama where you’re the culprit and the victim at the same time~

in a simpler term: it’s the time to have your very first (puppy)love.


yes. it’s the time to have your very first (puppy)love, which i didn’t experience.

in middle school, there was nothing more important than to fit in. in some ways, i saw “to fit in” as “having relationship“. the popular kids had relationships. the unpopular kids… who cared? nobody cared about unpopular kids. they didn’t belong to the society.

life was already harsh back then, huh? haha


truth be told, i struggled (still am struggling) about this self esteem. little did i know, i started to focus more to things that i liked and i tried to ignore the situation. this had me into two conditions:

1. i seemed to connect to English, musics, books and sports much better than my classmates.

2. i didn’t have much friends.


it’s true about friends. until now, i only really remember 5 to 10 friends from junior high school. the others are surreal memory. i remember Eminem’s Mockingbird lyrics much better than the name of my 3rd grade junior high classmates. no kidding.


however, thanks to English, musics, books and sports, i kinda figured out how to make myself more attractive. i became braver when talking about those topics. i got to know what my favourites and i stood to my view about what i think good and bad. believe it or not, this had my confidence built little by little.


that was about the mind. now going to the body.


i’ve always been skinny. in high school, i only weighed 43 kg with almost 155 cm tall. i recently just weighed up 50 kg and i typed in my driver’s license that i’m 160 cm tall. still skinny. but i’m forced to get rid all of my favourite jeans 😥


i know some people try so hard to be thin, at least achieve their ideal body mass index. some try even harder to be so skinny. like those models, they are unbelievably meager. and one common consequence of having lean physique is: flat chest and butts.


it doesn’t always happen. some girls are lean but they have average-sized busts – even more. but that doesn’t happen to me. i’m that typical thin girl. i don’t really regret with my condition, but sometimes i do wish that some of the fat in my hips could be relocated to the higher position hahaha.


so when one day, my bestfriend and i had a walk in a mall and she pointed at underwear section, she said,

woah they have D-cup size!”

then she frowned, while continuing to say,

a lot of our friends are Cs.

yeaah it’s not that i’m ungrateful but as human beings, we can’t help to compare to the better ones, right?


from what i read and watch from movies, male is a visual human being. read here also. they put on very first judgement from what they see. so if a female is pretty, having proportional figure, dress well, generally pleasant size busts and butts, male will love it. while female tends to judge after the conversation, whether a male has the same principle, fondness, hobby and else.

it doesn’t mean that inner beauty is not important. it is. but what can we do? that’s how male is constructed.


personally, i don’t (always) worry about my body size. but sometimes when i found out that a good looking man, like Adam Levine, chose to marry Behati Prinsloo, who doesn’t belong to big-busts-bunch like Kim Kardashian… i’m kinda relieved, hahaha.

it’s a proof that visual is not the deal-maker even though male sees it first. in the end of the day, it’s the whole package that counts.


yeah, so, that’s it. you’ve been warned that it contains girl’s things.