so, i just went back to reality called “back to campus” after about 3 weeks helping out in a health center. i liked it there. i liked working there. and 3 weeks – actually just 17 days – there is just plain cruel. cause in 17 days, it’s when you finally caught the work rhythm, the staffs, the habits. and then, BOOM, you were required to go back and leave this new environment you just got comfortable with.

 

i wasn’t the only one as so-called trainee in that health center. i was with other 3 of my college friends. but there were also many more trainees from various college. one of the trainee is a post-grad Psychology student, mbak Sari.

 

i think she’s so pretty and cool. she’s great at her field. she explained some of her ‘clients’ – i prefer client to subject – and her approach to get to know them, to find the diagnosis of what caused her clients to come to seek a Psychologist. surprisingly enough, i was amazed.

 

i watch House MD. i am a dentist gonna-be. i know how difficult it is to eventually have this final diagnosis. if you haven’t got the diagnosis by physical exam, you’ll need diagnosis test. perhaps lab work, blood work, imaging, until exploratory surgery, just to SEE the underlying problem.

 

the thing is, you CAN NOT SEE people’s feeling. a Psychologist can order as many test as possible, yet he/she still can’t see their client’s emotion. the only thing they have to do is to let people open up to them. and it’s not easy.

 

to let people open up means to let people trust. and trust is priceless. trust is motherfricking hard to gain.

 

cardiologists don’t have to gain trust from the heart they operate. dentists don’t have to let calculus to open up when they clean them.

 

i also watch 50/50. i kinda know what struggle Anna Kendrick had to pour into Joseph Gordon-Levitt to open up.

 

and mbak Sari is this one person that – in my opinion – everyone can get close to very easily. she is attentive. she doesn’t patronize. she accepts everything.

 

from her stories, i realize that to achieve what she is, is not an easy matter. she said that before she started her post-grad education, she and all of her college friends were obliged to ‘finish’, face up their own problems or past first. it is necessary because later they need to receive whole loads of problems form their clients.

 

it’s like, how come you can hold another pin if both of your hands are already full? if you insist, you can juggle them, but as genius you are as jugglers, you can not just focus on only one pin. either you’ll drop them, or you save all of them in pain and sweats and exhaustion. and every jugglers have their limit. so, yes, eventually if you just keep on juggling and juggling, you’ll get tired and out of focus, and not only you fail to keep your own pins, but also others’.

 

i have to admit. when mbak Sari said that, i was freaked out. as much as i had written in this blog, told my friends, i might have not really face up the rest of my problems, worries, fears. even then, i was so scared that mbak Sari would read them through my expression. i was having cold sweat that mbak Sari would say:

“looks like you need help. what is it?”

 

mbak Sari also said something like “it’s okay to cry. i tend to make people cry. i’m also not afraid to cry even if it’s in public.” i solemnly swear it’s her words, not mine. she said that by crying it helps out our feelings, it’s a mechanism to help us realize that we do have problems. because if we don’t even recognize that we have ones, how can we solve them?

 

statistically, females live longer than males. many factors behind this statement. but from Psychology point of view, it’s because females can naturally share their problems with others. so females tend to not have too many burden of feelings. opposite to males, who, thanks to society, forced to act as if they have to be tough, strong, brave, bold and most importantly to not share their feelings and cry because that is sign of weakness, being coward and sissy.

 

well, thank you so much, society. look how you ruin male population.

 

the fact is: i’m such a cry baby.

 

no kidding. i think i cry twice more than all of my friends ever do. i even cried when i watch The Hobbit – even though Charin also did. but, bottom line, crying is something usual for me.

 

yet, i still feel like there are heavy boots stacking in my life. maybe instead of ‘i feel’, it’s ‘i know’. i know it. i know, i admit that there are scattered problems, past and whatnot everywhere in my mind. but i have no idea how to sort them. in the end, i just get teary then cry and cry. once in a while feeling suicidal. then back to cry and some more, almost to drain the gland but the next day i do it again.

 

perhaps i know.

i just don’t have enough courage to face them.

 

now who’s the coward?

 

-aga-

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