so long time no post, yes?

my laptop was somehow broken, the screen wasn’t working altho the laptop itself worked. i suppose i broke the motherboard again for the third times, but then again i’m not sure. i asked my friend, Luky, to put this over service counter 2 weeks ago when i had to go to Malaysia, hoping it’d be okay when i came back 3 days later. in fact, the laptop was repaired for the whole 2 weeks. yeah can’t complain much. i’m just glad i can still use it now.

 

so.

 

i had this thought this evening.

 

i already had this thought, at least once, few weeks ago.

 

have you ever feel like committing suicide?

 

don’t judge me. i’m asking YOU a question.

 

have YOU ever feel like committing suicide?

 

i was seriously thinking about committing suicide. such as: why do people suicide. how it feels like. how do i suicide. how long would it take until i die. do i really need to suicide. and so on.

 

cutting blood vein seems okay. i’ve got blade.

jumping from the roof is a bit more difficult, since i need to go to at least 3-storey-building.

drown myself in the sea might sound peaceful, lol.

or, just OD on ultra-high-dose of various pills.

 

well, now let’s be open and honest, don’t be naive.

you must be thinking: why the hell people suicide? what were they thinking? were they that desperate?

 

i did think so.

i thought, suicidal people are stupid.

they’re that helpless, absentminded and stupid.

life is just more that any problem they faced until they decided to take their own life.

suicide is forbidden.

suicide is something we all human need to avoid.

 

but i can not help not to think about it.

 

at certain moment, suicide sounds like the only thing left to do. like when you can’t bear any bully at school. like when you keep failing at everything you do. like when you’re highly anticipated to fulfill every single expectations from the closest people around you.

 

i’ve probably written this down quite few times how i’m never be good enough for some particular people. how they still force me to do more. how i need to know how imperfect my imperfections. how i’m wanted to change into a whole brand new flawless personality. how what i am now is not what they want me to be.

 

frustrating.

depressing.

 

Anna Akana, who is well known for her YouTube channel, once had sister who committed suicide. she basically pours her feeling in this video.

 

when you’re gone, your suicide might affect people around you, for ever, perhaps.

 

so, not only excruciating pain while you kill yourself, even in your death, you still need to think about people you left behind.

 

suicide is hard.

yet, easy, almost simultaneously.

 

once again, i ask.

 

have YOU ever thinking about committing suicide?

 

i have.

 

-aga-

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