what did your screwed up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?

-House MD season 8 episode 6, Parents-

 

sometimes i wonder while lying on my bed and reminiscing things i did, remembering things that had been passed and regretting things i didn’t do…

 

how do i become like this? why do i become like this? what makes me like what i am now? or may be it’s more of ‘who’ instead of ‘what’.

 

last night, because of a series of events i thought that actually…
there’s no use of being a good and caring person.

 

what i thought perhaps affected by my recent books i just finished reading, Millennium Series. i suppose the main character, Lisbeth Salander, was the most anti social person in the world – if she was real. yet, she still made quite a loyal league to try to prove she was innocent. Lisbeth was not even near kind, she was playing fair: good to people that treated her good, worse to people who treated her bad. and this worked for her.

 

she realized that society would not accept us as who we are so she stopped giving society satisfaction that she knew it would never enough, and started acquiring herself satisfaction that she needed, wanted.

 

who had made Lisbeth as she was?

her vicious father, Alexander Zalachenko, who beat her mother so her mother had brain hemorrhage. her helpless mother who couldn’t protect even herself from her lover’s abuse.

those things made Lisbeth who she was. a tough girl with almost zero trust in people – moreover men, and no doubt to stand to what she believed was true.

 

all of my life, i’ve been told that if you’re good to people, they’ll be good to you too.

 

no, actually.

being good or bad depends on each person.

if they are bad, no matter how good you are being, they will always be bad to you.

this concurs to the statement: there’s no use of being good and caring person.

 

then, that thought struck back.

what (or who) makes me like what i am now?

i don’t think that just by reading the Millennium series would instantly change my way of thinking in a snap. i don’t really have friends with this idea – trust me, my friends are basically good peeps, too good even haha.

 

my parents aren’t cruel. they just… a bit pushy.

my dad perhaps gives more influences to my life. he’s just that unequivocal. a no is a no. a speck of dirt is dirty. too much enthusiasm of a certain kind of music is just as bad as clubbing in random dark pub.

meanwhile my mom always says that “your father is your father, we gotta be patient to deal with him”. yet, my dad often argues with her and to be honest, i just can’t stand to be in the same room. i must not talk back to my dad cause that will just double his anger. he has to get what he wants, stat.

 

it’s not seldom people say to me “you really are similar to your father”.

sometimes i just wanted to shout and yell “please, don’t say that, i’m nothing like him”, even though deep i notice in some parts i am similar to him.

 

may be, because of that, i’ve never been that good to people, so people never have been that good to me too.

 

now, it’s your time to think.

what did your parents do to make you who you are?

 

-aga-

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