for everything we do, for everything we feel, mostly it’s a causation.

a cause and an effect

because i hated physics, so i chose to go to dentistry.

because i love blue, i collect things in blue.

but look again, you might miss the word MOSTLY on first sentence.


because i really couldn’t remember why i really hate this one thing.

what is that?


i didn’t have any past traumatic about cigars. i don’t particularly dislike the shape of cigar or the thing itself. i actually kinda like watching cigars advertisements in TV.

but i couldn’t take anybody smoke it.

my dad used to smoke. he smoked A LOT. after diner he went to terrace just to spend some times to enjoy what’s enjoying about smoking. when he’s having closet time, he brought his cigar into the bathroom and smoked while he threw his daily food. if i was allowed to collect his cigars boxes, i could probably have my own house.

simply, my dad was addicted to cigars.

and then, when i was in 2nd year in high school, he decided to stop smoking.

it’s completely hard facing those days. without nicotine found in cigars, my dad went angry and upset easily. i preferred to stay whole day in my room rather than go down-stair and meet an unpleasant face and weird atmosphere.

time went by and my dad’s getting used to not to smoke.

UNTIL it was Eid Al Fitr holiday 3 years ago, and my dad had a nostalgic time with his high school chums. when i was asked to deliver snacks, i found out that he was smoking with his friends.

i was really, really, REALLY disappointed.

how could he do that? so i did an immature things. i grabbed all cell phones, and sent him texts, “why are you smoking??”. all at the same times and then i went away. i had no desire to see my dad’s face or talk to him. i cried, yes.

then i got a reply, he said, “just one cigar, dear… just accompany the friends to smoke.”

not a reason, i’d say.

well, once again time went by, and i don’t know did he really just have one cigar or more…

UNTIL (again) i was disappointed (again) 2 days ago. he used the same reason as he replied me. i was upset. and yes, i did cry.

i just can’t help thinking why is it so hard to say, “no, i’m not smoking”. was it really necessary to accompany friends, even they were best friends, if it’s related to smoking? beside, friends, best ones more over, should’ve supported something’s so good like stop smoking.

more than ever, i have to say, that knowing my father broke his promise twice, is one of the biggest disappointment in my life.

and surely, i hate cigars more and more.